Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Resist one type of solution that your Giver and Taker may suggest --- the I'll let you do what you want this time if you let me do what I want next time solution <~~~ That's the RENTER'S SOLUTION that encourages you to alternate sacrificing for each other.

And ...... this can lead to both spouses eventually falling into victim roles, or feeling like they are victims anyway.
One spouse can feel that they have compromised more than the other, or that the score is uneven .... leads to resentment or entitlement.

Resentment cuz one feels like they have given in more,
and the other can feel entitlement cuz they have given so much that they are deserving of some happiness.

Both sets of thinking come at the expense of the other and the M.

CWMI ..... I feel for you, I have one of those H's that want to make everyone happy, wants to be liked by everyyyyyyone!
He likes to use POJA, but not when it involves conflict with someone else, your example of lending the car out would be an example.
My H would not want to say 'no' to that person needing the car.
This is an ongoing struggle that we are sorting through.

I see this as part of the renter to buyer thing, not sure which category it falls into though???
Maybe it's more of not taking a spouse for granted, something like 'my spouse will get over it and I want to be the nice guy' .... IDK
It is definitely a part of 'don't be the cause of your spouse's unhappiness'.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA