Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
I would say that the biggest obstacle to my applying the MB principles is that I do not believe I can meet my wife's needs. When I think about embracing Radical Honesty and POJA, I believe we would fail. Because we would never be able to brainstorms solutions where we are both mutually enthusiastic. Because I fear I won't be able to satisfy her minimum requirements. So I am not enthusiastic about even trying. If I were honest, I would tell her to leave me for someone else who will. And can.

I don't think I am alone in having this fear.


That sounds to me like a description of the "Creative Wilderness":

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Quote:
The creative wilderness represents the typical inability of couples in marital crisis to create solutions to their problems. In the books I've written, many solutions are suggested but they're only the tip of the iceberg. Many marital problems require solutions that are unique to certain circumstances. In this site, I put more emphasis on the process you should follow to solve marital problems than I do on the specific strategy you should use. That's because there are too many situations that require unique strategies.

A good marriage counselor is a good strategy resource. While you can, and should, also think of ways to solve your marital problems, a marriage counselor should know how to solve problems like yours. That's what you pay him/her to do! And his strategy should make sense to you. In fact, his strategy should encourage you in the belief that your problems will be over soon. Counselors often obtain special training for many common marital problems, such as sexual incompatibility and financial conflicts. These counselors can document a high rate of success in finding solutions to those problems.


Quote:
Because we would never be able to brainstorms solutions where we are both mutually enthusiastic. Because I fear I won't be able to satisfy her minimum requirements.


I'm by no means an expert, but I have the feeling that when you really follow the guidelines for negotiation that the potential is there that one side's requirements may change. You start out thinking you HAVE to have Chinese food. You discover instead that you are quite happy receiving spectacular emotional bonding over Italian, and you only want Chinese food with coworkers once every couple of months. One of the steps in negotiation is identifying the problem from both perspectives. When you discover that your spouse can't meet your "minimum requirements," they may change.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 15 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.