Telly:

Your advice is correct. I will try to follow it. I just don't think there IS a way that works for both of us. Either she feels smothered or objectified or I feel stifled. The only thing that seems to work is if I truly do not care how she looks. And I haven't figured out how to not care without withdrawing emotionally.

I know, my typical pessimistic and black / white thinking.

When you can see it coming, duck!