Mrs. Hold doesn't love it. Makes her feel uncomfortable.

We had a chat this morning. Actually, we started last night while talking to D13. D13 said "Dad gets giddy when he is with you. And that is kinda wierd. But we love him anyway."

This morning we were kissing. She turned her head and I kissed her neck and she pushed me away. She said she just wanted to be playful and not to take it so seriously. I told her that was a valid point. But I need more guidance. I am not enthusiastic about doing trial and error with her to find her boundaries. It is not like there is a broad field of grass for us to play in. It is a maze and the walls are electric fences. I am not willing to stumble forward blindly and find the fences by touch. I need her to tell me where the boundaries are. Not as fun and playful. But for me the pain of running into the fences outweighs whatever fun we have before then.

She said we need more fun. I agreed. I said something like "I get giddy and joyous when I am with you. Until now I have been stifling that. And it is killing me. I am miserable every moment of every day. So I am going to stop stifling myself. I understand that may be uncomfortable for you. But if we can't find a way to work it out that works for both of us, then we'll have to do what needs to be done at that point."

She said something like "have I turned you down often lately?"

I said something like "you don't turn me down often, but I don't ask often. However, you do alot of pre-empting. As soon as I get home you say you are tired or don't feel well or have a headache. Then if I roll over toward you in bed you throw your arms up to ward me off. Or you clench up and pull into yourself. Even if I haven't touched you and was just shifting positions while reading a book. So you do alot of rejecting without saying no explicitly. She nodded her head in agreement. I went on "and on the other side, you almost never welcome me. I never hear anything like 'hey, I am in a good mood tonight, why don't you come closer and maybe you'll get lucky'."

She said that is a valid point. We shall see if anything comes from it.