Hold, this may sound strange at first, but bear with me. I think you are brave. Yes, you are. Because you are not afraid to tell your truth. You say what you do and do not feel...and believe it or not, there are many other people out there who do or do not feel the same thing. When you have written that you do not think things will ever change and you are to afraid to try anymore, I thought, "Yeah, that's how I feel at times...heck, sometimes that's how I feel all the time." You seem to have thrown off the "mold" of the so-called mainstream. The word mainstream makes me laugh because I really don't think there IS a real mainstream, at least not the one most of us think of. I used to look like I fit that mainstream, back when my hair was long and the blond was natural and I wore a size 6 and I smiled all the time. That was then, and I don't relly know many people who actually live that way. And you aren't afraid to challenge that, that idea that EVERYTHING in the universe somehow will make sense if we sing kumbaya and make it make sense.

Yeah, I know that sounds depressing, but here's my point. One thing we talked about in the hospital was honesty - the real kind. That glossing over or stuffing down or saying "oh yeah, that makes sense" when it really doesn't will not help any recovery or coping; it will in fact do this opposite is true. It is the person who is honest enough to say, and keep saying for as long as they need to, "this sucks, and it has sucked so long I don't know how to care about it anymore," who is closer to real recovery. Because they are honest at the most gut level. And that is what you do. When someone says something that - in your world right now - sounds absolutely ludicrous or unattainable, you don't do the luri thing. You don't cave and say, "You're right. I'm just not thinking right." If you think it's ridiculous you hold firm. Someone will have to convince you. Yeah, it's stubborn, but at least you are who you are. I had forgotten how to do that.

So, I think the fact that you are willing to say you are afraid of certain things and that you don't care about certain things or that you don't understand or even buy certain things is brave. Because you are pushing for something real, not something pat. Pat sounds good and makes everyone hold hands and feel comfortable, but in the midst of agaonizing pain, pat is almost insulting.

So, anyway, good for you. If you keep saying exactly what is in your head, I think something has to come of it eventually.