Both her parents worked. She was in day care when young. later a latchkey. Got into much trouble. Grounded often. She worked as a teenager to earn spending money. She promised herself at that time she would be home for her kids. And she intends to keep that promise to herself no matter how much it harms her, me or the kids. I understand. I live with many promises I made to myself to my own detriment. Like choosing to stay married "no matter what".

S15 is working as a CIT this summer. I have encouraged D13 to baby sit. Will push that again.

I think me pushing Mrs. Hold to work is counter productive. She will resist my suggestion even if it is in her interest to agree. I am not the only spiteful self-sabotaging person in this marriage. She feels that if I were more productive at my job, she wouldn't need to work, and she is not going to reward me for failure. Last night one of the women mentioned "if you want a job, tell everyone you know you are looking. That is the only way to get a job these days." Mrs. Hold said she needs to be home at 3:00 to watch the kids and drive them around. The woman replied "my job is a 25 hour per week job. I get paid for only half time, but it is what it is." I think her hearing it from 3rd parties is better than hearing it from me.

As you say, Mrs. Hold is very successful in whatever she attempts. I occassionally tell her "we should have done this the other way. You should have worked and I should have stayed home with the kids. You had the drive to succeed full time. I would have found a way to be productive part time. And I would have probably enjoyed the time with the kids when they were small more than you did." Needless to say, she is not amused.

Hmmm. You say we have lots of spiritual intimacy. Not sure it works the way you imagine. We do not share spiritual thoughts or feelings with one another. It is true we share the same religion. But she is basically non-practicing. For the big holidays she occassionally joins me. The "eating" ones at people's homes. Not the religious services at the temple. I go to those alone. Or with the kids. Or with another guy whose wife also generally refuses to attend. To the extent I feel we share spiritual intimacy, it is her support for the kids receiving a religious education. And her support for my being involved at the temple. She does not share my faith. She has serious questions about God's existence. So it is, unlike several other areas, not something that drives us apart. But it does not draw us together personally, either.

When you can see it coming, duck!