Had another chat yesterday. Very depressing.

I told her i don't like being so separated. That I would like to be closer together. And that I withdraw out of sefl-protection. Since it hurts to spend alot of time with her.

Mrs. Hold said she is married to someone with a mental illness (me). And that it is hard for her to be with someone so depressed and down all the time. So she withdraws out of self-preservation. Same as I do.

She discussed how she wishes our house were nicer and our kithcen were redone. She said she wishes we could afford jewelry and vacations. That when we got married she expected I would be able to provide a higher standard of living by now. She said she doesn't complain often because "that would be mean, to keep tearing you down". She said she is happy with our life overall. But not the financial / material side.

She agreed our sex life is bad. She said something like "you think that is all because of one thing but it is several". She also said "you think your career and our finances are over but I think there is hope they could get better".

I of course pulled back from being fully honest. I did not want to crush her hope that our finances might some day improve. I know they won't. Because she is not working toward a better sex life. And I know that if our sex life never improves I will never be motivated to give my all to work.

I am torn. I want to tell her the bitter truth. That things will never improve. But I am afraid. That she will leave if I succeed in convincing her.

I am thinking about the following POJA. Every day I go to work and challenge myself "what is one thing I can do today that will improve my job performance". And she wakes up every day and challenges herself "what is one thing I can do today to be more in the mood to have sex with my husband". But I am afraid she will only have more contempt for me if I "remind" her how crucial our sex life is to my mental health and our financial future.

When you can see it coming, duck!