My wife teared up when I told her how negative I feel. I called her later to thank her for reaching out to me. She said she was glad I called, because it was very distressing to her to hear how I felt.

I sabotague everything in my life, not just my relationship with my wife. And I am not doing hard work to restore my marriage. I stopped doing that in 2005. I am now just cartaking our roomate status until the kids are out of the house.

It is very possible that my wife is the more sexual of the two of us. She has far more sexual experience than I do. She probably realizes more than I the lousy quality of the sex we have, since she may have experience with good sex with someone else whereas I don't (I have had sex with others but pretty much all of it was bad).

What I am afraid of is not that she will want to be more sexual with me. I am worried that she will want to be sexual with someone else. I am certainly blocking her attempts at intimacy. Not because I don't want us to become more sexual. But because I don't want her to get her ENs met. I don't trust that she will eventually meet my need for SF if I meet her other needs. So I am blocking her out unless and until she provides substantially more sex.

I know it doesn't work that way. I know we have to share Conversation and Undivided Attention before she will be in the mood for sex. I know Dr. Harley would say my behavior is almost guaranteed to NOT produce the outcome I say I desire.

That makes sense. Every day I choose behavior that prevents me from being successful at work. Not surprising that I also choose behavior that prevents my marriage from improving.

I am a mess, and my problems go far beyond what MB addresses. I need professional help.