Rif is right. You may decide to forgive her and reconcile at some point, but when she contacts you, And goes ballistic. Let her fume, let her rail. The whole point is, when she here's from command on this, It will be like a 100,000 watt light bulb on the affair. It is important that "someone else" confronts her on this. When she has brass holding a mirror up to her. She will see the light. Not about her staying with you, about her conduct. At some point when the hammer comes down, she will call and explode. Let her just blow. When she is finished. Tell her one thing in a very calm voice. "You have broken two of the most important vows you can make in life. The first is when you broke your marriage vow to me, the second is when you broke the faith with a fellow soldier. You are not fit to command let alone serve in the army". I hope you continue to seek advice and support from the others here. I believe it can help you heal and maybe even restore your marriage.