Hi Gurka

I am sorry that you need to be here.

However, seeing that you NEED to be here, nobody better than RIF to aid you. Pulled me out of hell a few times, for a fact.

I wanted to offer you some comfort regarding exposure. It is the most alien, contrary , uninstinctive act I ever performed. I felt like nothing I could do would certainly end my marriage like exposing would. Folk advising me to do exposure must all be crazy ! After all they don't now how vicious my WW is....

But in prayer I did it. It seemed " right" and that was better than all the wrong everywhere else in our marriage. I felt that adding some "right", goodness, honesty could not make my situation genuinely actually worse.

So while I was running an errand I called OMs GF from Tescos car park. I will never forget the exact second in that conversation where her heart broke. My guts just churned for her. I was a month into my own hell by then, so I must have seemed strong to her.

After a few minutes speaking I shut down the phone, then ran retching to a bush in the car park to puke. Before I'd wiped my mouth, my WW was on the phone swearing up and down that I had just guaranteed a divorce, that she would make my life hell, that she'd take my kids, that she and OM would be happy; that he was more of a man than I would ever be...

Yet even then, responding with anti-babble ( you tried that yet?) I felt an empowerment within me. A cleansing. I had taken control of my sheet. I had become a knight not a surf. The remote control for our lives had passed from OM and my WW to me.

WW was absolutely vicious for three weeks. OM dodged righteously thrown crockery for several days. But even if I M were to fail I knew it was the right thing. There was now fear, rather than swagger in WWs affair talk. Communication between her and OM was about quartered.

See affairs are about as real as ten year olds playing "doctors and nurses". When Mom opens the door and turns on the light it takes a REAL committed player to carry on ! Exposure is like switching on the light on their sordid, deluded little game. Lies they knew they were telling and receiving suddenly seemed like stupid lies with the light of truth exposing them. A future loomed where the pretend lives they swore to each other they would one day live in secret was an actual LIKELIHOOD and it made them retch.

Exposure subjects the bindings of an affair to stress. Yes a very few withstand it, but the overwhelming majority crumble like movie vampires in the sunlight.

You have committed a courageous and righteous act, sir. Be proud and disciplined as you watch to see as the roaches run from the light.

All blessings.

MB Alumni