This is one of the few things in life that holds the pain at bay for a time.

I am tired. I am afraid. And you are correct. I don't want happiness badly enough to overcome my fear and exhaustion. I have lost hope. I do not believe I am capable of improvement. Or that any possible improvement could result in happiness.

Years ago more sex would have made me happy. It did. On the rare occassions we had sex, I was happy. That was back when I still had hope. Drove Mrs. Hold nuts. Now, I agree with you. No amount of sex would make me happy. I am too far down into the depression. What the sex might do, however, is give me hope. That change is possible. In which case, perhaps I could rouse myself into action.

Many people do not fix their marriage until after an affair. Does not excuse the affair. Still, the marriage always needed fixing. It would have been in each person's own interest to fix the marriage before the affair. Saved both of them much pain. But sometimes people won't take action to build something new until they blow up the old place.

I don't see myself ever choosing to work on my marriage (or my life) until Mrs. Hold provides more sex or one of us leaves. Sometimes I even hope she will have an affair. Anything to get us out of this rut. I cannot climb out. The walls are too steep. So could somebody please throw down a hand grenade? Or set off a C4 charge? If it doesn't kill me, maybe it would blow a hole in the wall or blow me up out of the trench.