Originally Posted by ConfuzedHusband
Gerka (and others saying it is our job to support [aka encourage / enable] his plan to save the marriage,

I couldn't disagree more. True friends, or true people committed to helping others, don't hold back on what's in their heart. I've read every post in this thread. I've also been in Gerka's shoes. I wanted badly to recover my M as well, at first.

So I vehemently disagree that we need to not speak our hearts and minds just to respect Gerka's "decision" if we don't agree with it.

And I do disagree. Gerka, it is quite likely that this woman is broken, and will do this again to you given her history of (likely) additional infidelity which you don't know about currently. Think LONG and HARD whether she is worth it. She may have changed permanently (like my XW did). You need to think about that possibility, and be REALLY HONEST with yourself about WHY you are so committed to this marriage. Is it in your BEST interest long-term to remain married to a serial cheater when there are no kids involved.

Sometimes, there is no explanation for why people change, no rhyme or reason. Don't make the mistake of assuming she can be fixed. Maybe she can - but the facts you have presented makes me think she's far more like my XW, who has continued to spiral down the path of alienating all friends and family, and deeper into a path of self-destruction. I couldn't save her because she didn't want to be saved.

Sorry if it is not the advice you want to hear, but I believe it is for the best. Remember, you are in a "fog" just as much as she is, and I think you sound a bit like you're in denial about your ability to save the marriage.

I've been in your shoes man. There's no harder thing, no tougher pain for man. No hurt like it. I will pray for you.

(No Longer)ConfuzedHusband


I understand where you are coming from, and I have voiced my concerns as well, but the one thing your forgetting is...we don't know Gerka or his WW. We have no idea whether or not this is a one time thing because of failed boundaries or she has a personality disorder. He can continue to plan A, work the MB plan, watch withdrawal take place, and then see how she reacts and that will tell Gerka and us a lot about her. He wants to save his marriage if it can be saved and his WW will buy into MB concepts. If both of those don't happen, he can easily walk away. Right now, he's trying to see if they can. Don't you think if his WW got through withdrawal and started reading the MB concepts and started implementing the concepts like some of the FWWs on this board, he could have a very good marriage going forward? Of course he could. Now what are the chances of that? Probably not very good, but he at least wants to see it out first and see what happens. I can respect that. And if the affair is over, and Gerka says she's still blaming him and not willing to work on the M, move to Ft. Polk, or work on the MB concepts, then yeah, I'll give him an earful about kicking his WW to the curb.


BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story