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Interesting e-mail.

- She is still contacting you even though she said that she wouldn't.
- She acknowledges taking the money because she needs it (even though she blames you for needing it).
- She says that this isn't a "test".
- She says that you were 'unsucessful' in accusing her of a crime.
- She says that you've "killed any chance" to work things out (hmmm... I don't ever remember her saying that she was giving you a chance to work things out...)
- She says to stop sending her "chatty" e-mails.
- She says this is war.
- She she doesn't want to be your friend.

All in all, it's pretty much what I would expect from a WW that is going through withdrawals from the OM. She obviously has been thinking about your actions, as evidenced by how specific she was with her "demands".

I think that she's conflicted on all counts and listing these actions to you in an e-mail help her clarify her "position" in all of this. She may actually believe this, and in the end, this may be the direction she chooses, but for now, I think that you are right on target with e-mailing her every so often and continuing to put th money in her account.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Yep, it's all your fault for being a good and decent man. Yep, you made this a war because she chose to **** someone else. *sarcasm*

Gerka, she's so, so, so foggy. I think it's time to go dark. I'd like to see what RIF (a dear friend of mine) and Jim think.


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Hi Jen! ***Waving***

Gurka - Given the fact that you'll be over there for a month or so more, I'd use this time to try and Plan-A her. I wouldn't go dark just yet.

Now, when you get ready to re-deploy, you can make an assessment on where your W is at that time, then it will be pretty easy for you to go dark when you return to Ft. Polk.

Give her some more time to "de-fog" and see if there is any fallout from the investigation. Regardless of her claim that you were 'unsuccessful' in accusing her of a crime, your goal was to end the A. You were VERY sucessful in that!

Ending the A was the goal of exposing. It worked. The investigation was a result of your exposure. The intent was not to get your W kicked out of the Army. So, don't worry about any claims of "you weren't sucessful".

The fact that she keeps replying to your "chatty" e-mails shows that she's still thinking about you. Oh sure, she probably hates your guts for ending all of her "fun", but eventually she will get over that.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Ok, I sent my Friday email to her:
Hi, how has your week been? I've been really busy dealing with all the new people coming in, mostly Australians and Dutch officers. I ran into a Portuguese captain at Camp Eggers on Tuesday and tried to talk to him in Portuguese, he applauded my efforts and said I was the first non-Portuguese person in Afghanistan to try speaking Portuguese with him. Then yesterday in the SIPR room I somehow managed to touch the server rack, which is ungrounded, and the metal security door simultaneously. So I became the ground for the rack, and caught a couple thousand volts of electricity. No one else was in the SIPR room to hear the string of profanity that resulted. I haven't been electrocuted in like 10 years, I think I can go another 10 years without it now. It's Friday here, my day off, so I slept in and just ate lunch, and I'm about to go to the gym. Apparently it's the rainy season here, and it's been raining a lot. It's nice since it clears the air of pollution, and makes all the plants grow. Speaking of which, I thought it'd be nice for me to send you some flowers, all the way from Afghanistan. wink Hope you have a good weekend.

-Jeff

Attached a couple pictures of the roses, which came out great btw.

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Just to be clear, I shouldn't respond to anything she's saying? Should I state that I've only done what I did to end the affair, in the interest of saving our marriage?

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Hey Gurka,

Your e-mail looked fine.

I wouldn't respond to any of her statements... You know that they're not true, so why even bother to try and "educate" her? I believe that would just make her even madder if you attempted to respond.

Look at it as if you're dealing with a small child that says your a meanie because you took away thier special toy for misbehaving... You know that you are doing the right thing, but the child is only focused on not being able to play with her toy.

Eventually, the child will get over the loss as life moves forward. They will soon find that it's much harder to "stay mad" at you and other things will take on more importance.

You are doing a super job with remaining detached, yet still engaged. I'm affraid that if you start trying to answer her e-mails that you'll just end up getting very frustrated, and it will actually help keep your W in her "entitlement" mode.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Here is what I gathered from her email.

1) She's still very angry at you about exposure and is struggling through withdrawal.

2) She feels guilty about taking your money, so she feels the need to let you know that her taking your money doesn't mean she will get back with you.

Everytime you deposit that money and she takes it, it will cause her further conflict. You made a love bank deposit and then she realized it and recoiled. She thought, "Oh yea, he deposited more money. Thank you," and then, "Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be angry with that a-hole. What is he trying to do, buy my affection?" This is just a sign of her inner turmoil. She sent the angry email because she sensed you plan was working a little bit, and she wanted to discourage you. Right now she doesn't want to get back with you because then there would be no justification for her actions. It's better to get these angry emails back than nothing at all other than bank transfers.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Just to be clear, I shouldn't respond to anything she's saying? Should I state that I've only done what I did to end the affair, in the interest of saving our marriage?

Just to be clear, plan A your W, plan B your WW. Don't respond to her unless she's nice in her email, and no relationship talk.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Ok, that makes sense.

Also I agree that she must be feeling conflicted about taking the money, and felt like she not only had to justify it to herself, but also to me.

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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Here is what I gathered from her email.

1) She's still very angry at you about exposure and is struggling through withdrawal.

2) She feels guilty about taking your money, so she feels the need to let you know that her taking your money doesn't mean she will get back with you.

Everytime you deposit that money and she takes it, it will cause her further conflict. You made a love bank deposit and then she realized it and recoiled. She thought, "Oh yea, he deposited more money. Thank you," and then, "Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be angry with that a-hole. What is he trying to do, buy my affection?" This is just a sign of her inner turmoil. She sent the angry email because she sensed you plan was working a little bit, and she wanted to discourage you. Right now she doesn't want to get back with you because then there would be no justification for her actions. It's better to get these angry emails back than nothing at all other than bank transfers.

GG:

I concur with this, and think you should Plan A until you get back to the States. It might "cost" you $2,000 to do that. but otherwise, its just a series of emails....

LG

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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Just to be clear, plan A your W, plan B your WW.
That is not the way that Dr Harley describes Plans A and B.

Plan A is for the WW.

Plan B is for the WW.

You must be wholly in either one plan or the other.

Until the affair ends, the WW is a WW. At no time is she a W. You cannot Plan A her when she is being nice this morning and Plan B her when she is foggy or spiteful this afternoon. Plan A has both carrot and stick elements, and is the only plan to use while the BS is able to use it. There is no Plan B during Plan A.

When Plan A becomes a way of life for the WS (when they settle down happily to having their needs met by two people), or when the BS is unable to continue being a giver while the affair continues, Plan B comes into force. Plan B is complete cessation of contact until the affair ends, and you cannot move between it and Plan A.


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2 kids.
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by jmwc95
Just to be clear, plan A your W, plan B your WW.
That is not the way that Dr Harley describes Plans A and B.

Plan A is for the WW.

Plan B is for the WW.

You must be wholly in either one plan or the other.

Until the affair ends, the WW is a WW. At no time is she a W. You cannot Plan A her when she is being nice this morning and Plan B her when she is foggy or spiteful this afternoon. Plan A has both carrot and stick elements, and is the only plan to use while the BS is able to use it. There is no Plan B during Plan A.

When Plan A becomes a way of life for the WS (when they settle down happily to having their needs met by two people), or when the BS is unable to continue being a giver while the affair continues, Plan B comes into force. Plan B is complete cessation of contact until the affair ends, and you cannot move between it and Plan A.

I meant, respond to your wife. Don't respond to your WW. If she emails Gerka how her day went, then he needs to respond by meeting her need for conversation. If she emails him about what a jerk he is, he just needs to ignore it.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Gerka I was refered to your thread as inspiration in mind. All I can say is your a brave man.

Thank you for sharing your story and I hope I can muster the courage to do what you have already done.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
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How was the steak and lobster today? grin


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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There was no lobster OR crab legs tonight. Just exactly what kind of war is this?!

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
There was no lobster OR crab legs tonight. Just exactly what kind of war is this?!

That's exactly the kind of stuff you need to put in your emails to your WW.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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K. I'll take that into account for the next email. The pictures of the roses turned out amazing by the way.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
K. I'll take that into account for the next email. The pictures of the roses turned out amazing by the way.


Any response yet?


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
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No, I seriously doubt she'll respond to my chatty emails.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
No, I seriously doubt she'll respond to my chatty emails.

She has been, just not right away (she likes to stew a bit) and not with a chatty response. Actually, she's been emailing you at a pretty decent clip lately, especially for someone who "never wanted to talk with you again." One of these times she's bound to "slip up" and respond to one of your emails in a non-venomous way.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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