Hold, I think the situation describes perfectly a basic truth about attraction:

That we are attracted to most what we are most insecure about in ourselves. That would include both strengths and faults. I am attracted to the traits that I feel I most lack. And I a simultaneously attracted to the traits which irritate me the most (because in fact, those are the character defects which I have hidden most carefully, even from myself).

I have come up with my own "solution" to this "problem," which deals solely with MY side of the street. I learn to cultivate the things that I lack and desire from others (like discipline, intellectual honesty, compassion, emotional stability, humility). I become self-supporting in that way, which is not to say that I don't seek help from those who can help me. I still allow myself to be interdependent with my spouse, and others to the degree that I find appropriate as I grow as a person.

At the same time, I do a very hard look at myself, at my character defects, at what motivates them, causes them, etc. And rather than try to change my character defects, I have compassion for myself as I become willing and able to make a commitment to change those defects. Disrespect, dishonesty, self-righteousness, pride. Sometimes it is hard for me to truly know what my character defects are, so it helps for me to make a list of DJs about others who irritate me, since it's so easy to do I can take someone else's inventory like nobody's business! Then I say to myself, this is just ME projecting my OWN character defects onto THEM! I take ownership of those defects as my own, maybe talk about them with a trusted friend or pastor to see if I really AM all those things (and sometimes I'm not). By cultivating compassion for my own defects, I begin to have compassion for the irritating behaviors of others, and they bother me less. Like my spouse. Especially my spouse.