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I assume I should be staying away from terms of endearment like "darling," "baby," etc.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Sunday morning we went to the shooting range to shoot each other's weapons for "familiarization" in case ours are lost or damaged in an attack. It was pretty fun getting to shoot all the foreign weapons (attached a picture from the range.) The French rifle was, unsurprisingly, the worst of the bunch.

Ah yes, a good French bashing is always a crowd pleaser. Tell me, did the French rifle have a fitting to allow them to easily attach a white flag to the end of their barrel? My coworker does reenactments and is a member of the Royal French Marines. I asked him if he wore kneepads to the reenactments for the part where he surrenders.

Keep up the good work. You've sent quite a few emails the past few days, so I'd wait until at least Thursday night/Friday morning to send your next one. Start working on your material.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I assume I should be staying away from terms of endearment like "darling," "baby," etc.

Yes, just call her by her name. Oh, and no Mrs. Gerka either. wink


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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You are doing so well!

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Good morning Gurka!

Yeah, for now I'd stay away from those...

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Good morning. No word for WW. 2 weeks until her birthday, starting to wonder what I should write, or if I should call. It's been almost a month since we've spoken on the phone.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Good morning. No word for WW. 2 weeks until her birthday, starting to wonder what I should write, or if I should call. It's been almost a month since we've spoken on the phone.

If you are going to call (and I definitely think you should call for her birthday), let her know ahead of time in one of your emails. You don't want to surprise her or catch her off guard because she will just flip out and hang up on you. Here is what I would do. In one of your emails in about a week, let her know that you will call her on her birthday. Let her know that you have no expectations of her answering or talking to you, but that you are going to call her at this time to wish her a happy birthday, and you hope to hear from her, and if not (probably not), just leave a message sounding positive and upbeat. From that point on, I would try calling maybe once a week at a set, predictable time, and eventually she will answer it.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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I'm worried about calling and getting more, "Stop emailing me" "stop calling me" "you ruined any chance of us reconciling, leave me alone." That stuff is tough to respond to in real time.

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The idea here is to be calm and collected while you're talking with her and to not get into any deep relationship discussions or arguments. State your feelings accurately and don't engage any any arguments that she tries to start.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I'm worried about calling and getting more, "Stop emailing me" "stop calling me" "you ruined any chance of us reconciling, leave me alone." That stuff is tough to respond to in real time.

Well if you plan on trying to reconcile with your WW you are going to have to eventually learn how to do it. I lived through several months of that at the same house. They key is not responding to it. Let her rant and vent, and all you say is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," until she calms down.

Remember Dr. Harley's three stages of a relationship: Intimacy, Conflict, and Withdrawal. She hasn't seen you in months and hasn't spoken to you in a month, so with just the emails, she's in withdrawal with a just a toe in the conflict stage. If you want to get from withdrawal to intimacy, you can't bypass conflict. Your goal now is to engage her more so that you can push her from withdrawal back to conflict. By her birthday, the worst of the withdrawal from OM and reaction to exposure should be over. Now, it will still be bad, but you are not in this to avoid conflict. This is how you need to get the relationship moving again.

Last edited by jmwc95; 05/11/10 07:54 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Ditto on the no 'baby and darling' terms. That would irk her, a lot.

What do guys think about sending a photo from some enjoyable vacation or an event in the future emails?
The photo doesn't need to be acknowledged, just attached.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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We have pretty much all the same digital photos. I couldn't send her anything that she doesn't already have, except for the pictures I'm taking here.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
We have pretty much all the same digital photos.
That would be the point, a subtle reminder of an enjoyable time with you.

It would have to be a pic that she recognized and could attach a good memory to.

It wouldn't even have to be one with the two of you in it.

Look through your photos, see what you've got, and maybe stick them
in a folder for future use.









M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I'm worried about calling and getting more, "Stop emailing me" "stop calling me" "you ruined any chance of us reconciling, leave me alone." That stuff is tough to respond to in real time.

If she hangs up after saying those things (Which she probably will.) Then you don't have to worry about responding to them.

If, OTOH, she pauses after she says them, then I'd respond something like this..."Yes, I know you are very angry at me, right now." [Be sure to add the "right now" to almost everything. It will remind you both that she feels this way, right now, but might not in the future.] And then wait for her to unleash some more on you. If there is another pause, say something like this to her.." Yes, I know you want to end our M, right now." And wait for more unleashing...keep this pattern going for as long as you are able to.

Your goal is NOT to change her mind about anything she is thinking... Absolutely NO relationship talk on your end.

What you are trying to do is let the steam out of your W, so there will be room in her heart for love deposits from you in the future.

When she is lashing out at you, you may think, "Oh, no, this is really going terribly." But, as long as she is talking to you it is a win. Try to remember this.

The conversation isn't about meeting any of your needs. It is entirely about meeting hers. If she stays on the phone w/ you, it will be b/c she needs AND WANTS to get rid of her anger at you.

I definitely agree w/ Jim, you should establish a pattern of calling her.





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She just replied to my last email:
The really sad part about your inability to accept that this is over is that it didn't have to be. We could have worked this out with alot of hard work and effort. It sucks that you made the decision for both of us to irrevocably end this.


frown frown
My instinct is to write back and say "We can still work this out with a lot of hard work and effort." Help.

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Don't write back...at least not yet.

Your Plan A is working!

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You've got her responding to you, Gerk...feeling SAD about how things are between you two.

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I'm not writing back until I get some good advice. But yeah, it definitely seems like she's responding, trying to push my buttons and make me angry, and trying to shift the guilt off of herself.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I'm not writing back until I get some good advice. But yeah, it definitely seems like she's responding, trying to push my buttons and make me angry, and trying to shift the guilt off of herself.

Oh, she is definitely trying to blame shift.

But, she is finding it neccessary to remind herself over and over again why she doesn't want to work things out w/ you....b/c you are doing a good job plan Aing her.

Also, did you notice she didn't tell you to stop emailing her?

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She is obviously blameshifting to ease her own responsibility in this, I agree with that.
I think she is also throwing you a bone, when she says that 'we could have worked this out with a lot of hard work and effort'. She could have just simply said "well you blew it"

Me, I would respond back with "I am married to you and I am committed to hard work and effort. What's on your dinner menu tonight, we are having hotdogs".


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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