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Originally Posted by Mrs. Gerkaguards
The really sad part about your inability to accept that this is over is that it didn't have to be. We could have worked this out with alot of hard work and effort. It sucks that you made the decision for both of us to irrevocably end this.

Now she is admitting that she is SAD that the relationship is ending. I thought she was divorcing you because you were such a bad husband? Now it's because you exposed. Once/If she gets through withdrawal of OM, she'll start to see more clearly that you did not in fact irrevocably end this. The further she gets away from exposure, the longer she is in NC w/ OM, and the more you make love bank deposits, the more she'll soften her stance of the relationship being "irrevocably ended." Now she is actually sharing with you how she feels. This is a positive step. I think you have a pretty decent chance of recovering this marriage as long as there is NC w/ OM. THAT is the key. Keep being the best Gerka you can be. Call her on her birthday, send congratulations out to her sister and BIL for their marriage, and send a message to MIL and FIL regretting you couldn't be there but would have love to have been there. Maybe ask for some photos. Keep depositing the money monthly in her acocunt. Pretty soon she'll be questioning if she should be going through with the divorce.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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So there's no need to respond to this?

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She just replied to my last email:
The really sad part about your inability to accept that this is over is that it didn't have to be. We could have worked this out with alot of hard work and effort. It sucks that you made the decision for both of us to irrevocably end this.


Hey Gurka! I agree with the others... this is a VERY positive reply!!!

Keep up with your plan-A, it's working!

I wouldn't reply for a day or so... keep things low-key with her. The conflict is really starting to show now. She's still playing the blame game with you but this is expected. Like the others said, the longer she's in NC with the OM, the more room she'll have in her heart for you to make deposits...

You're doing great Gurka! Don't get discourage when you get e-mails like this... you're going to get more, but those of us that aren't as emotionally invested in this, see this latest e-mail as a big step forward!

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
So there's no need to respond to this?

You respond with your actions. If you act like it isn't over by continuing to email, call, and deposit money into her account, you are responding to her that it isn't over without getting involved in a love busting relationship talk. If anything, the only thing I would write in my next email is, "I understand how you feel, but it's not over for me, so I'm going to continue to be the very best man I can be. If you want to ignore it, that's your choice, but my choice is to keep trying.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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You respond with your actions.


Agreed.

Your actions are speaking louder than anything you could say to her right now.

You keep showing yourself to be attractive by keeping your emails upbeat, making monthly payments and reaching out to her family.

Nothing drives a woman crazier than a man of few words, but strong actions. I guarantee you that you and your actions are being dissected over and over again in W's head...as well as w/ her mother and sister.

The quieter you stay w/ regards to what you expect/hope from your relationship the more she will wonder what is going on in your head.

The truth is, you aren't sure your W is capable of accepting responsibilty for the harm she's done to you and your M. And if she isn't capable of it, then you don't want to be married to her.

It would be best to wait to discuss your relationship after she has expressed at least a tiny bit of humility.


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Gerka,

I see your wifes reply as a turn towards negotiation. Sometimes during a negotiation you must throw the other party a bone so they can save face before they are willing to bargan. Your wife is rapidly approaching a point where you will need to extend something that will allow her to save face and join the negotiation. I have no idea what that something is but you should be thinking about how you can help her save face to help her make the first step to return to the marriage.

I also wanted to thank you for your service to the country. Keep yourself safe.

Last edited by exagilent1; 05/11/10 10:05 PM.
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Alright, no reply then.

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Good morning Gurka!

Yeah, I'd hold off for a few days before you e-mail or call her... Her mind will most likely be working overtime trying to figure out what "you're up to".

Hope you have a good day today! Today's highs are supposed to be around 105 today...

Semper Fi,

RIF

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I'm up in the mountains, it doesn't get too hot here, at least not yet.

I'll just throw something like, "I'm committed to our marriage, and the hard work and effort that it requires" at the beginning of my next "chatty" email on Friday.

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Hey Gurka,

I spent a year at BAF in 04-05, and it only got above 100 for a couple of days. I was in Kabul for my second tour in 07-08 and we had the same weather... Kabul is nice as long as someone isn't trying to blow you up!

It's already up to 105 here...

I'd try and keep the 'relationship' talks out of your e-mail for now... It's so easy to miss-read an e-mail and anything you write will most likely be taken as an argument.

I do agree that if you do decide to call her, that you should be very firm with your stance of working to save your marriage. You might even want to think about some "questions" that your W might ask you, then let some of us here help you with good "reverse babble" answers... that way, when she throws something at you on the phone, you'll be prepared.

Have you given any thought to some of the questions or statements that she might throw at you if you get her on the phone? You might want to jot some of them down and start thinking about how you'd answer them... that way, when you do call, you won't be caught off guard when you hear them over the phone.

Semper Fi,

RIF


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Ok, no relationship talk then. I'm planning on calling for her birthday on the 25th. I'll let her know ahead of time that I'll be calling. I'm pretty good at saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but..." so I think I'll be ok. The stupid disney DVDs haven't even shipped yet, so I don't know if they'll even get to her before her birthday... emails to the seller have been ignored so far...

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Sounds good Gurka!

I thought you bought her one of those boxed sets from the bazaar.... Hopefully it will get there in time for her birthday.

I usually send Mrs. RIF chocolate and flowers for special occasions. I've been deployed so much since '01 that most of the internet flower sites know me by name!

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Her sister's wedding is on the 28th, so she won't be at home for her birthday, that's why I was trying to get a jump on the present. I found a nicer box set for less money online, so I got that one instead, thinking it would be faster sent from Austin, TX. Joke's on me...

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Hey Gurka - If you get a new box set this Friday at the bazaar, and put it in the mail the same day, it would probably get three before the 25th. Most of my packages from A-stan got home to TX in about 8-10 days... so it should make it to Arizona in time.


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Won't be able to send mail out until next Tuesday. I'm sending the online vendor another email...

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Good luck and hopefully it will get there in time.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I'll just throw something like, "I'm committed to our marriage, and the hard work and effort that it requires" at the beginning of my next "chatty" email on Friday.
Here's my 2cents.

I think this is better in an email than over the phone.
WW can hang up the phone as soon as she hears these words, and may not store them in her brain, or she can argue back 'well it's too late'.

Gerka is not around to remind her daily that he is committed to this M,as would the typical Plan A scenario work.

Written in an email, one that WW could reread over, hearing the words in her head and also seeing them in print.
Mind you, she could also delete the email, but I don't think she is deleting them, I have a hunch that she is holding onto them.
Could be wrong.

There is nothing confrontational or relationship talk with this reply.
WW is the one who spoke those words first, I think it is wise to use this window, or reply to the bone that another poster referred to.
He is only stating a fact.
It doesn't require an answer, simply let's WW know where Gerka stands.

Like I said, just my 2cents and wanted to throw this out there as another POV.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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I tend to agree more with Vittoria. I feel like totally ignoring her email is a wasted opportunity, whereas stating where I stand let's her know what I'm thinking without seeming needy or desperate.

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See what the guys/gals say, I have no problem deferring the finalities to them.
I understand what you are saying.

I think that they get a WW mind better than I and this is a Plan A that I'm not experienced with.

I also believe at some point, you need to start stating your position in this M, what
you will tolerate, and what you are willing to do to restore.
Knowing what she is willing to do to restore it, is equally or more important.
Her reaction may take some time.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Well, RIF says no relationship talk, and his advice has been pretty spot on so far.

But I do feel that at some point I should make it clear where I stand, and she seems to have opened the door for that.

RIF, are you saying I should just wait longer? Am I waiting for her to do or say something before I start to talk relationship stuff at all?

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