I know. That is why I post here so much less frequently than I used to.

I meant my post literally. I understand I should work to enhance my self esteem. I would be more likely to get Admiration from Mrs. Hold if I behaved admirably. I don't intend to. Not pity party. Sad tired exhausted acceptance of reality. I am not going to change. I am not going to work on myself to try and "earn" Admiration. Or work on myself to lessen my need for Admiration. I have given up. Literally. I am just going to withdraw.

I think CWMI's posts reflect pretty darn closely how Mrs. Hold feels about me. That does not inspire me to work harder or inform me on how to better relate to my wife. It merely confirms my despair that I will ever get my needs met. And motivates me to withdraw further.

Which I understand fuels CWMI's and Mrs. Hold's disdain for me. If not disgust. Which is why I value CWMI's input so highly. She is showing me the side that Mrs. Hold never admits to. I need to be reminded of those thoughts. Even if I choose not to address them.

I am frustrated not only with Mrs. Hold's constant rejection. But also by my own unwillngness to change. When our MC fired us, it wasn't only over Mrs. Hold's refusal to change. It was over mine too.

People often ask why I continue to post here. Every day I ask myself if I am willing to take up the challenge. To implement the MB principles. To clean up my side of the street. To become a better person. Since 2005, every day the answer has been "no". But I keep hoping that some day I will say "yes".

CWMI

In 2002 I joined MB. My wife and I were seeing a sex therapist at that time (2nd or 3rd time we had tried one, in addition to a number of marriage counsellors we had seen regularly over the previous 5 years). Her "program" claimed she could improve our sex life in 16 weeks. 16 weeks later we had done 1 of the weekly homework assigments because Mrs. Hold refused to do the rest. So I chose to stop seeing the sex therapist. This forum helped me deal with the frustration of the complete lack of participation on my wife's part to that process.

In 2003, after I had been participating in this forum very frequently for about a year, we decided to see a woman who had been trained by the Harleys in an attempt to implement the MB system. We talked to her for 2 years. Made zero progress. In May 2005 she fired us because it was obvious neither of us was willing to change enough to please the other. We can argue over who was more obstinate. But it was clear we were unable to make any progress as a couple.

Since then I have basically given up on improving myself or my marriage. I am just muddling through life. Part of me is waiting for the kids to leave home so I can make decisions free of the legal ramifications of divorcing with minor children living at home. Part of me is just hoping for a "magic wand" like hitting the lottery or getting hit by a bus so I won't have to take responsibility for making changes.

There are some signs within the past few months that Mrs. Hold might be more amenable to implementing the MB system in 2010 than she was 5 - 7 years ago. An MB weekend or counselling with the Harleys might actually work if we both got on board. But at this point I am too apathetic to do my part.