Hold, I think you are fantastic. And I DO admire you for coming back day after day in the hopes that some day your answer will be yes. That takes incredible honesty. When you're ready, you'll be ready. If you try to force it before you're ready, it probably wouldn't last anyway (I may get blasted for that one by the MB vets, but I believe it!).

I've also kept my posting to a minimum because of the pity party thing. Godd for both of us for trying to work on that.

As I said before, right now I'm focusing on giving to MYSELF the things I would desire from a spouse, to the extent I can.

One of the things I've learned in my 12 step work is that it is not ME who does the changing. It is God who changes me. The work I do is simply to make myself ready to be changed. This has been a huge weight off my shoulders. I was putting so much pressure on myself to change myself, which is not something I'm really able to do. That's not my side of the street. That's God's! When I stopped trying to be God and change myself, and instead put my focus on cultivating an attitude of willingness and readiness, I find it much easier to admire myself, even if I'm not yet totally willing today, or ready today.

Honesty is something worth admiring. Even if it's honesty about our less-then-stellar selves. Especially then. Give it to yourself, and accept it from those willing to give it to you. Hard to learn. Practice until it becomes easier. Say thank you and you're welcome until it becomes second nature and you actually mean it smile