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...if I tried to approach her family when I get back they would "Make it clear that they want nothing to do with me."


Yep, more manipulative threats and bluster from her. Until you hear it directly from your MIL & FIL, I would just ignor what she says.

Funny how your MIL wrote you yesterday thanking you for the new computer for her other daughter's wedding present... doesn't sound like she was "making it clear that she wanted nothing to do with you", does it?

Focus on the facts, not on her poor attempts to manipulate you.


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Her mother sent me a message earlier today letting me know they'd received the laptop for her sister's wedding present, and thanking me for it.


Gerka,

Did you respond back to her mother, thanking her for letting you know they had received the package?

Now would be a good time to do so if you haven't. A chatty, friendly email, (NO relationship comments) & ask about your FIL. Tell her you got a message that there has been a change in his medical condition & you are concerned. This will let her know you are STILL a member of the family at this time and still care & are concerned about them.

I wouldn't take ANYTHING your W says as the truth right now.


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Yup, already offered her mother my support. WW said she couldn't believe I was using her father's cancer as part of my "little game." And said "how selfish can u be?"

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Good going Gerka,,,,good job.

Try to keep in contact with the family every chance you get, despite your W's nasty remarks. She's trying to isolate you and weave her lies to them to turn them away from you.

Stay strong. You're doing great!


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Hey Gerka, I rarely post, but I wanted to say you are doing an excellent job. Minus engaging her in her venom emails,you are doing quite well.

Ever thought by her saying your little plan didn't work was because it did work?

It's just her playing head games. Stay ahead of her.

She's mad because:

1. She's been busted (don't know why she's mad anyway because she admitted the affair)

2. OM has ran for the hills and she is in withdrawal
3. Her career is hanging in the balance and she knows it.

Good job. RIF has given you stellar advice. Keep up the good work and stay away from her venom.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
The only thing it's making me doubt is whether or not she is ever going to be someone I want to be with again. She's delusional to the point where I think she must be mentally ill. Like she's believing her own lies, like the affair never happened. It's consistently disappointing to communicate with her. I'm glad she didn't answer the phone earlier, because I didn't want to talk to her. She's demonizing me to her family and friends, damage that I'm not sure can ever be undone. And for what? She's spent more than a quarter of our marriage lying to me and having an affair. Maybe she's just broken in a way I can't fix.

Yes, she is in serious self-deception mode.

Everytime she tells a lie, she not only confuses the person she is lying to, but she is building layer upon layer of self-deception upon herself.

Whether or not she will ever begin telling herself the truth is out of your control. You can't give it to her. She has to be willing to look for it, and find it on her own.

You are in a much stronger position if you are able to give w/o expectations. When she sends you an email full of lies ignore it. Or better yet, REJECT it. If you reject it, you don't need to argue it w/ her.

She said you are playing a game. Games are supposed to be FUN. And you sure as he11 aren't having any of that! She can't point to your actions and say, "Look, at THAT! Isn't that awful? Jeff offered to help my parents!" So she has to pretend to be able to get inside your mind and know what your motives are, and judge them to be evil.

She seemed to be saying that you were motivated to offer your help b/c you hoped it might help you win her heart. I'm pretty sure you were motivated out of care and concern for your in-laws and for you WW. But, what if there was a part of you that was motivated to help her parents b/c you hoped to win your WW back? Is doing a good deed b/c you want to recover your marriage a bad thing? Wanting to fullfill your promise to love her in good times and in bad, doesn't strike me as selfish. It strikes me as honorable. Both the action of offering to help as well as the motive to do so.

So please reject that email entirely.

I know you aren't religious, but please allow me to note here that Jacob (from the Bible) worked for Rachel's father for 14 years in order to be able to marry her. Do you think Rachel called what Jacob did a game? Do you think she thought Jacob was selfish to do so? I think she must have felt greatly loved and desired. Do you think Rachel's father felt Jacob was using him? I think he must have known how much Jacob loved and valued his daughter...and rejoiced in that.

Even if your WW was able to convince her parents that you only offered to help b/c you wanted to save your M, there is no way they are going to think less of you for it.








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She's delusional to the point where I think she must be mentally ill. Like she's believing her own lies, like the affair never happened.


She's put herself in a box. She denied the affair to the investigators, she knows all your emails are being sent up your chain of command, so she can't admit to it.

Every time either of you speaks about it, or the actions you took b/c of it, she lies.

She's sticking to the story she told the investigators. That you made it up. That you slandered OM and WW.






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Gerka,

That tracking number will also allow you to track that package and see if it gets delivered to the person and address on the label. I am not convinced she has changed her address.

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Look, Her COs have the records. No man talks to another woman for that many hours and texts without some relationship (physical). Plus they were investigated b4. Not to mention the scuttlebut going around about Gurkas open marriage. Everyone knows what she has done. I personally think that Gurka deserves so much more then her, but will keep giving advice to him that promotes reconciliation. I still think that the wedding will be hard on her because of her cheating. I also think the more that COs read her e-mails and the imagined threats that she has mentioned, will only make them question her mental status and fitness more. Time will tell.

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Good morning Gurka!

Hope you got some rest last night... Any word from your MIL or WW?

Remember, if your WW sends you snippy little e-mails, just ignor them!

Semper Fi

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Nope, no word from anyone.

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Well, if you get another snippy e-mail from your WW, don't reply to it. If you really feel like you need to vent, write your e-mail here.

I know that sometimes you just have to write it down to get it out of your system, or you feel like your head is going to explode! That's what we're here for... so vent away!

Hope you have a great day today.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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She's been pretty quiet ever since that longish email I sent to her about needing to stop being so selfish. She never replied when I pointed out that I never threatened her or laid a hand on her. Maybe she's taking the weekend to do some thinking.

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Maybe she's taking the weekend to do some thinking.


Hey Gurka - Maybe, but it's probably not the soul-searching thinking that you'd like to see. I suspect that she's trying to think of more ways to hound you and "prove" that she is right and you are wrong.

I wouldn't expect any sudden changes just yet... she still got some issues to work out and until she gets there, you'll still get the nasty e-mails... just don't reply to any of them.

Semper Fi,

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She hasn't shown any signs of remorse or change. I doubt it's ever going to happen. It's been almost 1 month.

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Gerka a month is a drop in the ocean ....... it will take TIME ... a lot of time for your WW to 'get' it. Not weeks but months.. many months.

She put a lot of emotional investment in the fantasy of the A. She is reluctant to let the fantasy go.

This is not a 500m dash ... its a marathon and some people take a lot longer ....more like a walkathon ... to realise what they have done not just to their family but themselves.

I'm sorry gerka... this will take some time

Please look after yourself & remember to be mission focused when you need to be.



Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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Well in those intervening months that it takes for her to "get it," I'm not able to be around her. She says she doesn't want to see me when I get back to the states, and she's pushing a divorce as hard as she can.

I was looking for a certain picture earlier today and had to look through hundreds of photos of us. It's baffling to me that she's willing to throw away the last 5 years of our lives over this.

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She hasn't shown any signs of remorse or change. I doubt it's ever going to happen. It's been almost 1 month.


Hey Gurka,

We told you that you weren't going to see any signs of remorse or any significant changes when all of this started... There are some subtle changes that that you most likely don't recognize, and we keep pointing them out to you. I know that they're not the significant changes you'd like to see, but they are baby-steps in the right direction.

Like AW said, it will take MONTHS, not weeks, before your WW is able to start processing everything as an adult. For now, she's still in her Jr. High temper tantrum mode and looking for anything that she can to pin the blame for all of her "troubles" on you.

Please don't start doubting yourself. That's exactly what your WW is trying to get you to do right now. That's why she keeps sending you those vile little e-mails with various accusations and lies. If she can get you to start doubting yourself, then in her mind, she can justify her past actions.

She now has to deal with the fact that her entire chain of command, not to mention the entire OBC class that she'll start will now know that "She's the LT that was sleeping around on her husband while he was in Afghanistan." She doesn't want to face that fact, and she's trying to spin everything her way so that when she's confronted with the truth, she can say that you were a nut-case, you were abusive, and by the way, we were already going through a divorce!

Army communities are very tight, as you well know, and there isn't much that happens before the entire base knows about it. I'm sure that your WW has a few "buds" that will still support her aduterous behavior, but I can assure you, that most of her peers and others will not have a very high opinion of her actions.

As for the "it's almost been a month" comment... yeah, and look how far you've come in less than a month!!! You've ended the A with the OM! There are many here that haven't even taken that all important step and they're still sitting around wondering when their WS will leave the OP and come "home".

Try to focus on the positive actions that you've taken so far. You're doing a great job here and your actions ARE working!

Semper Fi,

RIF

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She says she doesn't want to see me when I get back to the states, and she's pushing a divorce as hard as she can.


Yep, that's what she says now. And yes, she's still pushing for a divorce...

Give it some time. Once she gets through her withdrawal from the OM and re-joins the "real world", I suspect that you'll see some changes.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Gerka,

WAY too impatient. 1 month? Try 6 months until she MIGHT be back on board and a minimum of 2 years to recover. The fact that you are so far away makes it easier to continue down her path because she is so withdrawn and detached from you. My WW had to see me every day. We lived together, and it still took about 6 months after exposure until she committed to the marriage again. As far as throwing away 5 years, plenty of WWs have thrown away FAR more, and even abandoned their children. This is a marathon and not a sprint.

The reason she has been quiet lately is not because she's reflecting but rather she doesn't want to talk to you after your recent series of lovebusting emails. You need to cut it out if you want to save your marriage. Since you haven't been able to control yourself lately, you need to post your emails on here and get our approval before sending them. Okay? We're just looking out for you, and trying to help you achieve your goal. Plan A is HARD. It takes a LOT of strength and discipline.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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