And I sent a short email to my WW:

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

By this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home

Often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."

You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.

You can word it something like this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.


Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"

excuse me acting "nice' in the face of an affair makes me want to puke

Plan A is taking control of one's self ...it is NOT "acting nice" ~as if~ there was no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurts like battery acid poured on your skin

am I right?

heII yes I am right

so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~> SPEAK UP

tell the truth

"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let's get help."

If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.

"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."

"I feel wounded by your affair."

"My heart aches for the love we used to share."

But be careful ... don't get needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters

it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors

ASK for help from the board

if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ... and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !

if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group

And I sent a short email to my WW:
Just wanted to write you before you go to your sister's wedding. I
hope it goes well, I'm sure it will be beautiful.

I hope that seeing XXX and XXXXX exchanging vows and getting married reminds you of how we felt the day we got married. Of the vows that we wrote ourselves,
and why we wanted to be married.
I remember the day that we exchanged vows, the vows that I wrote myself, and why I wanted to marry You, (her name inserted here)

Of the commitment involved, and the promises to work through anything together, for better or worse.
I remember my commitment to work through anything that I would encounter, for better or for worse.

I remember it all vividly, and still feel the same today. Remembering why I wanted to be married to you, and how good I felt once I was is something that gives me strength every day.

I hope it's a wonderful day for XXXX, and I hope you enjoy the wedding too.

But I also hope you take some time to think. I love you, and I miss my best friend.

She is foggy, and her thinking is self serving, she won't be open to anyone telling her how to think, it's a lovebuster.
What you can do is remind her, how you think and what you believe.

I wasn't planning on writing her or talking to her again until the 25th when I call her. I don't even know that she has her phone (the one that I have the number for) with her though.