Hi. GreenMile here. I have been reading the thread of "IHurtSomeone" and getting back to this forum generally and feeling remiss in not having drawn on the amazing help and advice available here more regularly. For those who don't know me, please check out my update a few days ago on IHS' thread.

I do need some help and advice. It is just a year a half since D-day and my breakdown and the beginning of the long journey to help heal DWG as much as possible and transform myself into a decent human being and husband. I have been struggling with the overwhelming horror of realizing what my soul has been most of my life until it all came crashing down, and all the things that I did during all those years to wreak the hurt and destruction on DWG. I have been trying to understand it and move forward without just breaking down and crying, and it seems like the only way I can function and be strong for DWG is to focus on the present and the future. Thinking too much about who I was and what I did is just so painful at times. I have resigned myself to facing it bravely, but my strength is a "work in progress." I went to a counselor who told me to write a hand written letter to the guy who I used to be and forgive him. I wrote a very long and emotional letter to him and made a deal with him. The deal was basically that I could forgive him under the condition that he never ever show his ugly face on my doorstep or in my life again. This seemed to help strengthen me, but that made DWG more nervous, so I backed away from that. DWG read the letter, and, though my counselor thought it was a very good one for its purpose, DWG was both skeptical and afraid of it.

But here is the problem: The self preoccupation that characterized who I was all those years, still rears its head at times. It did it today. I became absorbed in getting done what I wanted to get done on some errands, with DWG, and I did not consider what she wanted to do while we were out. Both before and during the excursion, my focus narrowed back to what I wanted to get done, and I forgot to POJA everything and put her first and consider her feelings. I just slipped into my old pattern, and this is something that happens still, sometimes frequently, until DWG points it out and becomes mad, triggers, and then ends up on a terrible dip in this roller coaster. Since DWG is everything to me, my whole life and everything I really care about, it is like taking day and turning it into a night so dark it can't be described. It makes her think that I have not changed and will fail, that I cannot be counted on or that my transformation into a decent person is a fake.

I don't quite know what makes me revert into these self-absorbed patterns and forget to POJA and simply relax and let our relationship be number one. It is most of the time, but then I lapse and feel like a failure. At these times, I start to wonder if I am truly defective and beyond help, but I know this is not true. I am not sure what the my question is, really, other than I need some help at learning how permanently stop these selfish behavior patterns. My commitment and determination are not in question. I will work at it until she gives up, not me. How do I stop these traits of the old GreenMile and make them go away completely? My heart is where it needs to be, but my behavior patterns are not there yet.

- GM

GM,

The Apostle Paul, perhaps the greatest of them all said:

"I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate."

He wrote many of his letters from a sewage filled basement prison cell where he was forced to hold paper up high so it would not get soaked with the filth. He was martyred.

You are not alone. You sound very sincere and repentent. No One is perfect these days. Just keep trying, that's all you can do right?

SWW

GM- Could you please stick to ONE thread? This way we will be able to read your sitch and understand where you are and where you are coming from.

Are you on AD's and do you go to IC?

Yes, it is all I can do. I just wish I were more successful, SWW. Your advice and wisdom is appreciated.

I did not want to horn in on IHS's thread more than I already did, and my original one doesn't fit too well with where I am now. But if that is the standard way of doing things here, I could try to copy my post here onto the old thread and delete this one. Is each member pretty much supposed to have one personal thread? Seriously. I don't know.

No, I am not on anti-depressants. I took one for just under a year after my breakdown, but I learned that continuing them beyond that makes it much more likely to have to stay on them forever, so I quit them. The independent counselor is a woman who is very good, who DWG and I both saw before we found MB. I had two appointments about a month or two ago, that I was referring to, but it is not anything regular.

I forgot to hit "quote" in the last two posts, and hit "reply", so I am out of practice a bit with this forum. I'll figure it out quickly LOL.

In order to tie in with my situation, my original thread is "Back From The Hospital". If you search on "WH back from hospital", you will find it.

no,

you brought up a new concern from an ongoing situation. I think you are fine. Good topic too, "why can't i do everything just right?"

GM, Don't we ALL have that same feeling?

SWW

Anxiety?
Perfectionism?
Habit?


Have you ever ridden a rental horse at a stable?
You know, the type of horse that has carried many a rider down the same trail, over and over and over again.
Have you ever tried to get such a horse to go against history and habit, and try a different trail?
He will not.
Not at first.

That's you.
Learning a new trail.
But, at times, your old stubborn neural pathways tries to reclaim the old ways.

Sorry about comparing you to a horse ...

It's okay if you just want to put some background info on this thread and keep it to this one now. It would just be easier to help you without having to go back to a few other threads to find out what you have been advised up until this point.

There are unfortunately, a lot of posters on here and it is hard to go to other threads to help. I am not a forum moderator or anything.

I was asking about the AD's and IC because this sounds like something that you may need serious help with. I know there are a lot of people who will try to help you out.

Now, by what I understand, YOU are the WS and your BW also posts here?

Did you read all of the info on this site? It helps WS's as much as BSs.

Does your BS want to recover? I am sorry, I really don't know your sitch(I actually keep a notepad doc to keep track of some people because I don't have the ability to keep them all straight sometimes.)

Well, maybe we do. In my case, when I don't do things right and revert to that pattern, it really hammers DWG, and then me with it. My self-centered persona and behavior was kind of the crux of the problem that fueled my destructive journey.

Yes. I am sorry, Scotland. DWG and I are old hands here. We have been to the MB weekend and worked the lessons for a time until DWG needed to take an extended break from them. We did months of telephone consultations with SH. Here is the actual link to my original thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2200252

Ok,

So besides just trying, what sort of plan is in place to help you when you are tempted to act this way?

SWW

Thanks PB! That is about right, I guess. As for the horse, I know them very well, because not only do DWG and I take care of 7 of them, but I was part of one myself for a very long time.

Well, I don't know that you have to apologize as long as the comparison is to the horse's head!

tl

This is for Scotland. In case there is confusion: DWG is my wife, Dances With Goats. Initially, she was SadSoSad. Then she progressed to MadSoMad. Finally, she has become DancesWithGoats.

You beat me to it. LOL. I was the back part of one for a very long time.

Well, if I knew that I was slipping into that old pattern, I could implement my plan, which is "Stop, you idiot". And then I would immediately stop. Unfortunately, it is not conscious when it is starting. I guess the breakthrough will be when it DOES become conscious before I start doing it. I know that it is how it will work. I do need some kind of trick to make it conscious in the earliest stages.

......for some reason this struck me funny......

{{{{GM}}}},

Good to see you and DWG back!!! You know the only thing I have to say is TIME.....it took you a long time, in fact a lifetime for you, to develope those bad habits and behaviors and it gonna take more of it to UNDO them......

But the good news is you both recognizing them......most of the time that's the biggest part of the battle....

Not2fun

Thanx GM. I will be reading the threads to get all caught up.

Scotty, this GreenMile is NOT the same man who first showed up on MB.
The old GM was one for the record book.

No 2 X 4 could ever have been big enough.
To make matters worse, he is a physician. Very smart. Too smart for his own good.
But, not very wise at all.

He has come a tremendous distance from where he began.

......has Pep's computer been revived????? Those were some awfully long posts to do by phone.....

We hope so....your wisdom has been missed.....

Not