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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
At this point I have no expectation of being able to save my marriage when I get back to the states. The only thing WW talks about is divorce. I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall here.
Gerka, it's not over yet. You have been doing so well!
Beating your head against a wall, that's a typical feeling in this situation, and one that doesn't end for quite some time.
As long as you are in the corner of wanting to save your M, ignore her babble of D.

Once you get back home, time will tell whether or not she will commit to R of your M.

We will support you in whatever direction you want to go, that's a given. smile


M'd 22 years
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Good evening Gurka! Any word from your W? Hope you are doing better today.

Semper Fi,
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Nope, no word from WW. Managed to spend hours sitting around at Souter, Eggers and Phoenix today. And I couldn't find "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" at any of them! Or "Get him to the greek."

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Gerka, When you do see her and if she will not be moved from divorce, you need to alert to the fact that she does not deserve you. I sincerely hope that when you see her face to face, that you tell her that there is no way she will ever find a man like you again. Someone who was willing to do the hard work of trying to reconcile a marriage with an adulterous wife. That you deserved better and that one day you will find a woman that is worthy of your love and commitment.

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Hey Gurka - Were you looking in the PX, or at the bazaar? I'll check our DVD stores when I get back to Iraq and see if I can find those...

R&R is going by way too fast... I'll be heading back in 11 more days. frown

But I'm enjoying my time with Mrs. RIF and the girls!

Semper Fi,

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I was looking in the bazaars.

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WW called me this morning, said my parents weren't bringing her the dog and refuse to ship him so "I win." I told her I'd like for her to have the dog and I'll bring him to her when I get back. She also said I was being totally unreasonable by not allowing her to take things from my house at Fort Polk. I told her I didn't want her taking things without me being there. She insisted she only wanted her clothes and books, and nothing that was "ours." I told her we could work that out when I get back.

She said, "so nice that you just made that decision for the both of us." I responded with, "At least I was honest and straight forward about it, so you have the chance to respond appropriately." She accused me of being dishonest and sneaky by accusing her via her CoC without telling her beforehand. That she told me all of the details of the affair in confidence, and just when she thought we were rebuilding our marriage, I turned her in. I explained that it was when she told me that she wasn't going to work on things anymore, that she'd rather be with him, that she left me with no choice. I asked what she'd have had me do, just give up on her? Would she rather I cared so little that I just let her go without a fight? She was quiet. I asked, "What would you have done?" Then the connection dropped (gotta love afghanistan.)

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Good job! Let her know that you will fight for the marriage and won't just roll over and play dead.

Now her story is changing - just when she told you the details of the affair in confidence and you were rebuilding the marriage?????? That's a new one. But I'm thinking that is very good. Sounds like she may be rewriting the history of the affair.

Continue what you are doing. It is going well. Let her know that you are working with her on the dog, her clothes, books, whatever. Don't try to make sense of her babbling because it will just wear out your brain.

All in all very hopeful.

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Quote
said my parents weren't bringing her the dog and refuse to ship him so "I win."


Any particular reason why SHE can't go get the dog herself rather than expecting your parents to deliver it? Other than, of course, the fact that she doesn't want to have to face them? Thats alot to expect of your parents when they KNOW how she has been treating their son,,,not to mention time, travel & expense.

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just when she thought we were rebuilding our marriage,
MrRollieEyes WHAT was SHE DOING to rebuild? An obvious rewrite....... dramaqueen

You did GOOD!! VERY good!!


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You did great, Gerk.

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WW called me this morning, said my parents weren't bringing her the dog and refuse to ship him so "I win."


She knows you want her to have the dog. The "You win" comment was just sheer manipulation. She might as well have said, "Gerk, PROVE to me that you want me to have the dog....GET HIM TO ME NOW!!!!"

I wonder if she threatened to sue your parents. MrRollieEyes

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Would she rather I cared so little that I just let her go without a fight?


AWESOME statement!!

It was kinda good that the conversation ended here b/c it leaves the question just hanging there...








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Great job Gurka! Keep up the great job and let her know that you're willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild. It will take more time, but the changes that you're telling us about are really positive!

Semper Fi,

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Get her the dog. Then you will win. Cash in with a fatty love bank deposit. Show how strong and take-charge of a man you are that will do what it takes to meet her needs. You didn't take no as an answer from her, so don't start accepting "no" now.

Last edited by jmwc95; 06/06/10 10:25 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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She said she'll get the dog on the 4th of July when she goes to Houston to get guardianship of her brother. I wrote her an email telling her I could still try to get the dog transported, but it costs around $1000, and asking her to let me know if she wanted me to go ahead with that, or if she would rather just pick him up on the 4th of July. I also told her that since not having access to her clothes is such a problem, she should just use some of the money I'm sending her every month to buy new clothes. Also assured her that nothing I'm doing or that I've done has been to inconvenience her, hurt her or get her in trouble, but to give our marriage a fighting chance, and that I'm still willing to do what it takes to make it work.

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Gerk,

I don�t agree that getting her the dog is some giant lovebank deposit. Women like her are very narcissistic and full of feelings of entitlement. Things should just go as they wish and if they don�t, then YOU are the problem, not them. They are the reasonable ones in their own eyes.

You�ve offered her a reasonable way for her to get her dog. She has refused it. You�ve done your part. Save yourself the money and simply repeat the simple solution if it comes up again. She�s the one making this difficult, not you.

It�s also completely reasonable for you to not have her go get �her� stuff out of your place when you�re not there. A WW is not to be trusted with judgment on such things. What is �hers� can be relative, and you�ll suddenly find things gone that are clearly not hers.

A WW will clean you out if given the chance. I was cleaned out by mine and left with nothing but the few things I had before we got married and I even lost some of those. All of that under the mistaken assumption that I�d get it all back once she came to her senses. That�s something that never happened (thankfully since I�d still be trapped with her in my life). I�m simply saying that you shouldn�t trust her one bit.

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Originally Posted by Gerk
I explained that it was when she told me that she wasn't going to work on things anymore, that she'd rather be with him, that she left me with no choice. I asked what she'd have had me do, just give up on her? Would she rather I cared so little that I just let her go without a fight? She was quiet. I asked, "What would you have done?" Then the connection dropped (gotta love afghanistan.)
I love it!
And the fact that she was quiet ...... shows that she is thinking, might she be realizing that her actions DID require MAJOR reactions from you? I hope so.

You did fantastic. hurray
Remember, there is a fine line between getting entangled into her web of accusations, and stating your goals for the M.
The fact that the connection was dropped, that was even better. No room for her to babble on, and you had left her with a
very strong statement to keep pondering. Awesome!
You've got some good lines and you manage to stay in control, I'm impressed!
Staying in control of the conversation, will help you to feel that you do have control of your half of this situation, and that you are not being
a door mat, in all of this. It also shows WW that she has a grounded spouse to come back to.



Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
You�ve offered her a reasonable way for her to get her dog. She has refused it. You�ve done your part. Save yourself the money and simply repeat the simple solution if it comes up again. She�s the one making this difficult, not you.
I agree with this. Going above and beyond at this point, for a WW that has not yet committed to a plan of R, I don't think is warranted.
It may make a big $LB deposit, but it's a superficial one, to me. It's appeasing her.
It's no so much about the dog in particular, more about the actions that would have to happen for that request.

Quote
It�s also completely reasonable for you to not have her go get �her� stuff out of your place when you�re not there. A WW is not to be trusted with judgment on such things. What is �hers� can be relative, and you�ll suddenly find things gone that are clearly not hers.
I agree with this too, for a couple of reasons.
One, make it as difficult as possible for her to start a new life on her own.
Two, WW has not committed to R, she cannot be trusted.

Gerka, have you come up with a mantra, one that can help you to keep going until you get back home?
Think about adopting one. smile


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She called me twice this morning, I was busy and wasn't able to answer. I sent her an email asking if it was anything important, and letting her know I should be available tomorrow morning around the same time.

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Called me 3 times this morning while I was in a meeting. I called her back 20 minutes later and left a voicemail explaining why she missed me. Wonder what she wants now.

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Afternoon Gurka!

It could be anything... hopefully, it will be a pleasant conversation! If it isn't, you know the drill... be direct with your statements of wanting to work on the M and not divorce.

I'm glad that she's making an effort to contact you regardless of why. This gives you more opportunities to Plan-A her!

Semper Fi,

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Well hopefully she'll call at the right time tomorrow and not when I'm in a meeting.

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Hey Gura - Yeah, nothing like your cell phone ringing when you're briefing the general!

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