I am kinda feeling blue today. Have an appt with the Dr at 4 and will talk to her about my medication levels. Don't know if she will recommend increasing the dose or not.

Have been talking to WS via google chat most of the day. Talking about different things. Just wish I was not here and in this situation. The sun is out and the birds are singing, but for me atm I feel like I am living under a dark cloud.

I want to believe he is really trying. I don't have the courage to believe it though. I am just don't feel like I can rely on my gut atm, because I am feeling nothing from it.

We have to show consistent actions to prove we have changed. We didnt even stray. So there is nothing wrong with making them keep it up.

You aren't quitting. You arent closing him out. Your just being skeptical. I think thats healthy. Recovery is a long process.

I have been talking to WS about expressing his honest emotions with me. He responded with this......

"i know most of the time i look like this whole mess doesn't bother me, part of it is avoidance and dealing with small parts of it at a time, part of it is so that DS isn't bombarded by our emotions all the time
but it does bother me but i can't let it rule my thoughts all day everyday....i would go insane if i did."

Umm how should I take this? Is this normal for a WS? Or is this a red flag? I am so confused. Please help.

Normal. I don't see a red flag here. He is compartmentalizing in order to cope. My FWH did/does the same thing. He said he has to put it away or the guilt and shame of what he did would be too much for him to bear but that he remembers it every day, like a trauma. After seeing him crying his eyes out over what he did to me, I accept that. He needs to heal, too. As does your H.

late response but I love gardenias. Their smell is so amazing.

Anyways.


Im sorry for my lazyness but I cant remember the earlier posts. Are you still needing questions answered about the A? If you do its probbaly better to just write them down and only talk about them for like 30 minutes a couple of times a week. Maybe you could POJA this idea.

One of my problems is I will get frustrated and get upset. When WW sees me get upset she withdraws. It kills the day. I lose valuable UA time with her. Im trying to limit my emotions around her. She gets upset because the guilt hits her of how bad she hurt me.

Defiantly keep focusing on meeting needs. It will help. She resisted at first but now because I have consistantly been the only one meeting her needs for a while she is starting to let me do more.

Well that is another step forward.

WS told me that only his parents and I had his work number. Obviously I did not completely believe that one. So after it had come to my attention that he had given that number to another acquaintance, I found myself a bit apprehensive about his work number, esp where POSOW was concerned. Today I figured how just how much it was bothering me. So I chatted with WS about the situation.

For the first few minutes I got the whole, "there has been NO contact" after I finally got tired of hearing that and laid it out as this so maybe he could walk in my shoes briefly.....

"If I was h3ll bent on making you pay by giving you just desserts and you knew this. So I gave ex-boyfriend from years ago my work phone number to talk to him and then "promised" to tell you if he called me, but remember I am out to make you pay. Then how comfortable would you be with the knowledge that he had my work # where you would have no idea if he called or not, regardless of what I say."

He called the group in charge of phone extensions in order to find out how to get his work number changed.

It is a step in the right direction. And while getting the extension changed maybe a pain, at least it is further cutting any possible contact between POSOW and WS.

Like I said, a step in the right direction.

Discovered that one of my biggest ENs is admiration. WS even acknowledged this, but so far he has not been making a big effort to meet that need. A few compliments thrown around here and there, but not much else.


Will have to deal with that elephant later though. WS is sick and running a fever. We were suppose to go to a party from one of my high school classmates this afternoon. But obviously not going to happen.

WS told me to go if I really wanted to go. I told him that would mean spending recreational time away from one another and that was not a good idea esp right now.

We had a beach trip planned for today, but since WS is still running a fever, we needed to cancel that. My parents took DS for a few hours so we could get some rest.

According to WS I am racking up some major deposits in his bank because I am taking care of him while he is sick. I have never been a constant touching person, but I have always been the type of person to care for someone when they are sick. Florence Nightingale wannabe I guess.

I spent a good deal of yesterday feeling down. I realize that since WS is so sick, and spent 90% of yesterday sleeping, he does not have the energy to fill any of my ENs, but I was still feeling rejected because of it. I guess that tells me that my bank is pretty low on deposits?

Thoughts? Comments?

Told WS last night about how I was feeling, that I felt rejected emotionally. I explained that although I knew intellectually that he did not have the energy to fill any of my ENs, that his actions while being sick were very similar to how he responded to me during the A. So while I understood, I still felt very rejected emotionally.

He told me that he had been trying to make sure I did not feel rejected and that was why he was trying to be near me all weekend. I had to explain that he was trying to fill my ENs by using techniques that would fill his ENs. He is the one that craves physical touch. I explained that most of my ENs involved talking; Admiration, Conversation, Openness and Honesty........

I asked WS what was his goal for our M. He said he wanted us to be able to live together peacefully. I got a bit upset with this statement, because we are still living together. I told him that according that his statement, we have already reached his goal, that that is not what MB is about. It is about falling in love again and learning to put your spouse first in your life. Because if you are putting your spouse's happiness above your own, then you are not allowing your selfishness to invade the relationship and cause damage.

After a few minutes of quite, WS started to explain the things he admired about me. He said two or three, and then got quite again for a few minutes. Then he started crying and told me that he admired my strength because I kept our family together even when he did not want to. That he was upset because he had failed me as a friend, husband, and father. That he did not deserve us as a family. At which point I asked him whose decision it was whether I stayed; his or mine? I was trying to de-fuse the "I hate myself" before it got too deep.....

I then thanked him. He asked me what for, and I explained that for the first time since this horror story had started, he had been open and honest with me. And while I may not agree with his statements, I knew what he was telling me was coming from his heart, I could tell the difference. I told him thank you for trusting me to tell me.

At that point he started feeling sick again (was running a fever all weekend) so I told him to get in bed, and I would get everything shut down for the night and come on to bed myself. So it was not the best weekend, but there are little steps that mean the world to me right now.

And at least I do not need to worry about POSOW for a bit since she seems to be engaged in her "new" relationship. That at least has taken a small bit of worry from me so I can devote it back to my M.

Well WS just let me know that he did get his work number changed. So now I know that one more avenue of contact has been severed.

These are postive steps right? Please give my some input. I feel like I am still running blind.

Just off to bed and stumbled upon your thread. My eyes are too sore to read it all now.

I will read another time, just didn't want you to feel like you are talking to yourself.

You may have already been through this, so don't bother answering if you have, but have you verified NC and are you still verifying?

and just picking up on your last few posts, try to change your focus slightly from what he is or isn't doing to what you are doing.

Are you doing all the things within your control to make sure you enjoy life?

How do you stop the anger from raging? Even though he is doing everything I ask, even if he does drag his feet about some of it, I still have days that I am just angry.

On those good days when things go right, I feel like I am living a lie. WS had an affair, and nothing I say or do changes that fact. I feel like I am lying to myself, pretending everything is ok, when it is not. Yes we are working on the M, EPs are being put into place. ENs are being explored and discussed. UA is being established. But it feels like by enjoying the UA time, and using this time to reestablish a connection with my husband that I am lying to myself.

Does anyone else feel this way? I know I am complicating the issue, but has anyone else felt this way?

Have you read any of the threads of people that have recovered their marriage? Have you read any of the threads on the recovery board? I am CERTAIN that there is a lot of posts out there that deal with this sort of thing. I know that Mark posts a lot about feelings and triggers. Have you delved into his stuff?

Is your WH exhibiting any signs of withdrawal?

Yes NC has been established and I continue to verify with the tools I have available. One thing I have learned is that POSOW changed her relationship status on FB on D-day from relationship to single. The day following her receipt of the NC letter (I had the letter tracked so I know when she signed for it) she updated her status again to a new relationship with a different guy. I have verified that it is not a hidden account used by my WS since both accounts are open to access currently, but I doubt either one realizes it.

What am I doing.
I have been placed on ADs because I can not deal with the reality of the A without help at this point.
WS and I are establishing a daily routine to include UA time.
I created a google account so that WS and I could chat throughout the day.
I removed his computers (the main access for the affair) from our house on D-day (figured I may need the info on them if I went for D so removed them out of his reach before I confronted him.)
I am identifying triggers and attempting to create alternate routines to go around them or overcome them.
I am identifying my ENs.
I have essentially given up my favorite past time, simply because it has become a stressor trying to deal with it and our M.
I have made plans so that WS and I can spend some time together minus our DS.
I had been walking twice a day, but since the heat has moved in (close to 100 over the past couple of days) I have had to let go of that for a bit. Hope to start back soon.
I have started going back to church, not sure how that is working out yet.
I am attempting to keep an appreciation journal of my WS, so that when things suck I can look at that and try to remember the good stuff.
That is all I can think of off the top of my head, atm.

No WH is not acting like he is in withdrawal anymore. He is spending a lot of positive time with me and DS. Lots of play, SF, affection, and while we are at work, lots of convos through google chat.

I have not been reading the recovery board as I am not sure when I should move there? I guess maybe that is where I should be since I am not currently dealing with a Plan A or a Plan B.

hi,
It all sounds like he has committed to you and your DS.....keep checking, keep doing all the positive things and just enjoy the new hubby you seem to have.....
It won't ever be the same as it was before the A, it can be better work towards that......I wish you two the best.....
Consider yourself lucky not all these situations go that easy.........

Completely !

I DO feel exactly like you. I posted this feeling in my thread. That is the reason that I am always thinking about D, the only thing preventing me to file for it are our children. Is is like being trapped in a maze. Too bad.
Courage !

I would stay here. Your in a recovery but your thread will get more eyes on it and feedback on this forum.

You don't have to move there if you don't want to. I just meant that you could read some of the threads over there. Especially the ones of people who have recovered. When you read someone else's recovery thread you may find some helpful advice.

The only reason I asked about the withdrawal symptoms was to make sure any efforts for EN meeting will become deposits.

Take care.

In your case Charles, the affair is not over yet. Your WW still has contact with the OM.