Bubbles:

Thanks for the concern. I am not motivated to explore what will make it good for her. She doesn't want to be analyzed. I don't want to be rejected. A process of discovery requires 2 participants to be successful.

I am much more enthusiastic about making it explicit that sex is only for me. Something she does to "humor" me. Even if that means it will be very infrequent. To me, that reduces the performance anxiety for both of us. She doesn't have to pretend she feels something. I don't have to try and fail to please her.

Perhaps if we focus on me for a while, sex can become more fun and playful and less of a slog through a fog bound swamp on a cold rainy day. If it becomes fun and playful, maybe she will eventually be motivated to play too. At that point, I would be happy to indulge her in whatever game she wishes to play. Not that I expect her to feel any sensation even when she plays. But she might find some games more fun than others, even if none of them provide any stimulation.

For now, to the extent we have sex at all, I think it has to be about making it safe for her to have no reaction. Showing that I accept her even if she feels nothing and wants nothing for herself. That doesn't mean I will be pleased if we don't have any sex. But I will be graceful in accepting her consent without asking her to provide any particular response.

Note that my response above depends in large part on my continuing belief that all of her sexual issues stem from PTSD from the rapes. Hence I tend to reject suggestions aimed at helping her enjoy sex other than "she gets therapy to deal with the PTSD". I do not believe that there is ANYTHING we can do sexually that will enable her to enjoy sex unless and until she deals with her PTSD. I don't see her agreeing to do that while we remain married. So I don't see this problem ever being resolved. All of this talking is about me dealing with a chronic condition that will never be "cured". Posting here is how I deal with the fact that it is incurable.