Told WS last night about how I was feeling, that I felt rejected emotionally. I explained that although I knew intellectually that he did not have the energy to fill any of my ENs, that his actions while being sick were very similar to how he responded to me during the A. So while I understood, I still felt very rejected emotionally.

He told me that he had been trying to make sure I did not feel rejected and that was why he was trying to be near me all weekend. I had to explain that he was trying to fill my ENs by using techniques that would fill his ENs. He is the one that craves physical touch. I explained that most of my ENs involved talking; Admiration, Conversation, Openness and Honesty........

I asked WS what was his goal for our M. He said he wanted us to be able to live together peacefully. I got a bit upset with this statement, because we are still living together. I told him that according that his statement, we have already reached his goal, that that is not what MB is about. It is about falling in love again and learning to put your spouse first in your life. Because if you are putting your spouse's happiness above your own, then you are not allowing your selfishness to invade the relationship and cause damage.

After a few minutes of quite, WS started to explain the things he admired about me. He said two or three, and then got quite again for a few minutes. Then he started crying and told me that he admired my strength because I kept our family together even when he did not want to. That he was upset because he had failed me as a friend, husband, and father. That he did not deserve us as a family. At which point I asked him whose decision it was whether I stayed; his or mine? I was trying to de-fuse the "I hate myself" before it got too deep.....

I then thanked him. He asked me what for, and I explained that for the first time since this horror story had started, he had been open and honest with me. And while I may not agree with his statements, I knew what he was telling me was coming from his heart, I could tell the difference. I told him thank you for trusting me to tell me.

At that point he started feeling sick again (was running a fever all weekend) so I told him to get in bed, and I would get everything shut down for the night and come on to bed myself. So it was not the best weekend, but there are little steps that mean the world to me right now.

And at least I do not need to worry about POSOW for a bit since she seems to be engaged in her "new" relationship. That at least has taken a small bit of worry from me so I can devote it back to my M.

Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D