Jayne, we have discussed that she should take more responsibility for her enjoyment. That she should explore what she likes. And communicate that to me. She refuses to embark on that journey. I think I understand why not.

This is where I believe her past experience restricts her. I think she is deathly afraid of enjoying sex. I think it terrifies her to imagine feeling pleasurable sensation. This would call into question her core identity.

If I enjoy it, will I be able to say no? If not, have I given too much power over to my husband? Can I tolerate him knowing how much I like it? How can I be sure I will retain the veto power if I can't resist the pleasant sensations? Will I be able to resist temptation if I allow myself to enjoy sex? I know there are men out there who have better bodies and are larger and last longer than my husband. How will I resist them once I give myself over to the pleasures of the flesh?

I think that these issues terrify her. To avoid dealing with them (and they are admittedly "big" issues), her mind refuses to "listen" to the signals coming from her body. I can't imagine what would motivate her to let those signals through and force herself to face her fears.

For example, my wife has admitted she does feel sensation and does enjoy sex when she is drunk or stoned. Leaving aside the legality, she steadfastly avoids becoming drunk or stoned. Why? Because she fears becoming an addict. She doesn't trust herself to be able to control her use, so she refrains from any use. I think she has the same fear about sex. If she allowed herself to enjoy it, she would do it all the time. Which would be bad (even with her husband), because it reflects a loss of control. And given her past experience, control is paramount.


When you can see it coming, duck!