No. What I am doing and not doing is creating in reality how I think about myself inside my head. I think I am a pathetic loser. So I behave in ways that make that true.

If I thought I were fabulous and admirable, I would behave that way to make that into reality. My subconscious makes sure that my reality reflects my inner beliefs. I am not punishing myself. I am actualizing myself.

My self-image cannot tolerate the stress created when reality fails to match my inner vision. For similar reasons, I am required to reject Mrs. Hold when she reaches out to me in love. I cannot tolerate her being a "good wife". Since my mental image says she is bad and wrong for denying me sex. So I reject her. She naturally reacts negatively to being rejected. And then I use her negative reaction to justify my mental image of her being a bad wife. Thus making my thoughts into reality, and eliminating the stress of inconsistency.

As you say, my wife is "going first". She is asserting that I have value. That I have achieved success in providing her with the lifestyle she wants. Since I do not believe this, I reject her assertions as being false. Instead of welcoming them and using them as evidence that perhaps I should change my view of myself. After all, if someone as demanding as Mrs. Hold is prepared to admit I have not failed at supporting her, who am I to argue with her? Yet, I do.