So I have been lost and confused this weekend. I know that most people feel like they want to know why the A happened. I have not really been plagued with that question. I don't know if it is because I feel like I already have that answer or if I just don't view it as ultra important at this time.
The question that is plaguing me is why he chose to fix his marriage instead of doing what so many others have done and followed the fog. I know to those of you who are struggling to bring back your WS, I probably seem ungrateful that I have not had to go through what you are. But at times I wonder if the struggle to recover your M from the grasp of these aliens somehow makes dealing with the questions brought up in Recovery a bit easier.
The night before I found out about the A, WH and I had a long talk about how he was so depressed. I had initiated that convo because I knew our M was not where I wanted it to be, so I had wanted to start working on fixing what was broken. At the time I did not know about the A, but I did feel that he was a little too friendly with POSOW. For some reason that night, I felt the extreme urge to pack a bag and leave for a few days. After struggling with that feeling for over an hour, I went a head and gave into it. I went upstairs and began packing a bag for myself and DS. I was upset about WS sharing personal problems with POSOW, but did not guess it had progressed into the PA, so I had no reason to leave other than this extreme feeling.
According to WH, him seeing that bag packed was the catalyst to wanting to get away from the A and repair our M. When I asked him why he chose me (I finally gave in and asked, I have been struggling with this question for several weeks) he told me that I did not realize how big of an impact seeing that packed bag was on him. That he would rather deal with a thousand kidney stones than ever go through the feeling he had in that moment.
I do believe that the packed bag had a lot to do with him making the decision to end things before I found out. And I am grateful everyday for the urge that made me pack that bag that night. However, this does not give me anything to hold onto in the darkness.
I guess maybe I just wish he would pop up and say that he realized he was messing up our M and that he realized he was in love with me and that is why he stopped things. I don't know. I feel like I can't move forward. I just wish I knew what was blocking my way.