I could tell she was agitated, worn out, and feeling uncomfortable before,
Do you understand why she was agitated?
When you do, the natural response would be....
and then she lowered the boom, accusing me of seeing and having sex with my old affair partner.
Does this not seem to you like a logical conclusion based on her personal experience?
I tried to my best recollection to explain why things were moved around in the car,
I would appreciate more detail here, GM. Exactly what explanation...or explanations....did you offer?
Were they truthful?
but she became angrier and angrier and more accusative.
What do you think caused her more anger?
I had had a bad rehearsal and was tired and agitated myself, and I became defensive. That made her worse, which caused me to become angry instead of lovingly supportive.
See my response above...
When you understand WHY she was already agitated, your response will be very different than defensive.
I have made a lot of progress in the last year (I think), and we have been resuming MB lessons.
Progress over the last year...or last 10 years...will mean very little to a BS who is faced with a situation where it appears their FWH may have been unfaithful yet again.
We were gaslighted, tricked, and manipulated before. We are no longer naive enough to think it not possible to once again be gaslighted, tricked and manipulated.
I suggested that she call our director in the morning to confirm I was at the rehearsal, but her anger and agitation just accelerated and pushed me into a state of frustration, and I became defensive.
It might have been more helpful to provide the proof yourself. I don't know...ask DWG's LATER if that would have helped her at all.
I had been doing much better handling these episodes, but this just knocked her waaay back.
This should tell you something...
I don't know how to make myself stop getting defensive and make myself become calm, comforting, and reassuring,
especially when I am not at my best because of any frustrating circumstances going on at the time.
If your music rehearsals are causing you to become frustrated and aggravated, and causing DWG to be triggered, why do you participate in them?
How do I help her and make her understand that I am not the guy I was all those years,
By not being that guy.
Defensiveness IS that guy.
She's seen it many times before over the years, hasn't she, GM? So you ARE THAT guy when you respond to her hurt with defensiveness.
Her conclusion was very logical IMO. I would have come to the same conclusion if in the same situation tst responded to me defensively.
A defensive person is often acting that way because they are hiding something.
that I have EP's in place that are sacrosanct to me, and that I can be trusted?
Let me point out the obvious. Or at least, it is the obvious to any BS.
A FWS can have the most stellar EPs in place, and can at any moment decide to ignore them.
When tst goes to work, I KNOW that he COULD choose to meet up with OW on any given day. Just now he called to ask if I was comfortable with him stopping by a friend's business to check on him while on his way home from work. I admit, it causes me a twinge of panic as I contemplate...is he telling me the truth? I mean, these are the same types of excuses he came up with during the affair.
A BS's reality is that IF the FWS ever decides to get involved with OW, they CAN find a way...and still appear to be living within EPs.
So, no, I don't even consider stellar EPs as a pass to be "automatically trusted".
How do I not become sad and frightened, when I am accused of being dishonest, even though it is a logical fear she has because of those many terrible years?
GM, the only answer is to CHOOSE to not be that and then you ACT upon your choice. She is making very logical conclusions, whether they are correct or not.