I am relatively new compared to the sages on here, but I am a FWW, almost 4 years out from D-Day. And we went through a lot of the hills and valleys you describe (I guess everyone does). One thing that helped me was to understand that when DH triggered and worried about what I might be doing or who I might be talking to, he was responding to the hell I had put him through, not always how hard I was trying right at that moment. In other words, just because he triggered did not mean I was not changing, and just because I was changing did not mean he would not trigger. In my mind, I KNEW I was completely repentant and doing everything I could to repair our marriage. In his mind, I was the only woman he had ever been with, the one he trusted, and the one who slept with his daughter's guitar teacher. He still couldn't really be sure WHO I was yet.

I wish I could point to a magic date and say on THIS day the affair stopped being a major mile marker in our M. It just got better, two steps forward one step back. And for awhile now, though it is something terrible that I did in the past, it isn't something that hangs in the air.

On those days when everything I did reminded DH of what I had done, I learned to try to see our journey through his eyes and to say "I am so sorry that I have caused you to have to endure this. I want to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make things right. Tell me what you need or need to know, and I will move heaven and earth to get there." Yes, DH still got angry and distant and sad at times, but he knew I was there, ready for whatever he needed me to do.

I hope that's helpful.