Hi Hold. Jut wanted to chew the fat a moment (as opposed to the tin foil doh2). I read your description of why your wife doesn't respect you. I've seen you write similar things in the past. I'm just kinda struck by how it seems like...well, like you're trying to justify her behavior, on her behalf. Does that make any sense?

Your own description makes her sound like a first-rate gold digger. Please don't take that as an insult, as I don't mean it as one. I say that in the most clinical sense.

Perhaps your wife had these expectations/desires with no malicious intent; rather, they were simply what she sought in life, to no one else's detriment.

Still, it seems extreme. Or, at least, a little narcissistic.

But, most importantly, it seems she was not honest nor forthcoming with you before vows were said. Therefore, she sought/does seek to benefit at your detriment.

And, no doubt, you will respond that you did the same to her. And I can see how that is true.

So, what is my point? Eh, no real point, I suppose. Like I said, I'm just chewing the fat. It's just that I don't understand how/why you seem to say how your wife's behavior makes you miserable, yet, almost simultaneously, you're willing to justify her. I don't understand the disconnect, I reckon. But, I do have to respect your willingness to flog yourself and try to protect your wife. Then, again, sometimes I wonder if it's just your way of protecting your own emotions from...your own emotions. IOW, if you let yourself blame her for the things she really is responsible for, you would be so angry you'd wind up hating her. And, if that is true, I understand why you would do what you do. It's safer to turn the hurt and anger inward than outward. IOW, we hurt ourselves in an effort to keep from hurting someone else.

Me? I'm not strong enough to do that anymore. I just blame my W for 80% of the problems I have with our marriage. I'm too angry and hurt to keep turning it inward.

Trouble is, we teach people how to treat us, and I taught her for a long, long time to treat me in a way that I found hurtful. That is my 20%. It might be the more toxic 20%, though...

I suppose the other thing that runs through my mind is wondering how you can stand it. Then, I realize I experience some similar situations to yours, and have to ask myself the same question.

I guess the answer for me has historically been the fear of dealing with the immediate nightmare of ending the current situation in order to have peace in the future. I mean, why is it that if my marital house is uninhabitable, and I can't make the necessary repairs myself, I have to be the one to demolish it - but I have to stand in the basement and push the detonator handle? Seems pretty unfair.

I guess my question is, do you experience any of these same sensations?

Just for reference, you're still not doing as bad as you might believe. You have achieved far greater vocational success than I likely ever will, and have a wife who, though difficult and injured, is still willing to provide you with at least a physical release now and then (which is a long way from affection or intimacy, I know).

For comparison, I just went back to work after struggling for 10 years with a business that never paid me anything. So, now I've finally got a job doing long and stressful hours for mediocre money...but, they were the company that offered me a steady gig, ya know?

My W has similar FS aspirations and ambitions to yours, and has never had much admiration for my easy-going work ethic. But, she is employed and ambitious (and is close to a workaholic, IMO - but that's just my view of her work ethic).

We've been married for 15 years...in total celibacy.

Haven't slept together for about 7 years.

I got a kiss and a hug last year on our anniversary. None since. I long ago stopped initiating. The rejection just wasn't worth it. Besides, the neglect has made it an unattractive prospect, anyway.

You talk about being afraid of spending life alone in a dinky apartment playing video games if you divorced. I dunno, brother, but sometimes that sounds mighty inviting...

Sorry to just drop onto your thread like this and be such a downer. I suppose I'm just trying to say that you're not as alone as you may feel. And to ask if we share some similar emotional experiences.

(Yikes! That sounds a little too touchy-feely, donnit?. Eeeww...sorry.)

OK, OK, I'm just horning in on the group therapy. There, I admit it; are ya satisfied? laugh

You're just jealous because you can't hear the voices in my head!