Hello, Eluna. I noticed you talking to yourself this week and read your thread, hoping to offer you something. I�ll try.
First, please recognize that you are so early into recovery that not even your FWH�s total and swift rejection of OW is helping right now. Your trauma is still fresh, and there are no shortcuts past it. In addition to the work you and he are doing, you�re going to need TIME to process everything and get your marriage in a better place by meeting ENs, avoiding LBs, and using the POJA, over many months
. Doesn�t happen overnight. Takes a couple of years
to build (or rebuild) a good marriage. The new habits you create must be for a lifetime to KEEP that marriage strong.
If you�ve read much here, you know that recovery is a rollercoaster, and it whips around pretty violently at first. I think you�re expecting too much of yourself, too soon.
You may be expecting too much too soon from your H, too. It�s HARD for him to express how he feels�it was before the affair, remember? NOW, he�s got the guilt and the shame on top of his original difficulty. Every time he thinks about it, he cringes inside. Talking about it makes him feel worse, even though that�s what he needs to do, for your sake. Be patient. Give him time, too. My H felt all those things, but it was many months after D-Day before he could make himself verbalize it. Even then, it was in short, awkward statements. Being a BS myself, I believe it�s the harder position to be in, because we had no say�our WS�s garbage was just dumped on us. But it�s no picnic being a WS, either. Read some of their threads and see. Just because your H isn�t saying those things, doesn�t mean he isn�t feeling them, or feeling miserable about them.
I have been feeling very wayward lately. I have noticed both my actions and thoughts are not even close to those from several months ago. Since I do not want my wayward thoughts to continue, I decided to practice RH this morning.
He told me that he understood. That he was not upset with me feeling this way. He views this as I would never have had these feelings if he had not had the A.
I told him that his reaction hurt me, because it made me feel like he did not want to fight for our M. It felt too accepting. I did not feel like he was even a little worried that I may follow his footsteps and A.
Can you not see his guilt here, Eluna? He's allowing that it was HIS actions that put wayward thoughts into your head. He is accepting responsibility for YOUR FEELINGS. (Truth is, though, this is YOUR stuff. And yours to deal with. He can't "prevent" you from having an affair any more than you could prevent him from having one.)What would it look like for him to "fight" for you? What is it, exactly, that you want him to do?
I have put several EPs in place and put up my own boundaries to stop myself from straying, but the draw is stronger each day. I don't want to be this way. I want my husband, and my M. I need to keep focused on that, but each day I have more LB$ depleted than deposited
I am being honest with him, I just hope he steps up soon. Otherwise who knows what will end up happening.
Glad you have put EPs in place for yourself, but I have to ask: What is it that is depleting your LB$? Is he hurling love busters at you? Or are you ignoring all he's doing and dwelling on lack...because you are so angry? Are you trying to punish him?
How is he not "stepping up?"
I see you thinking about a revenge affair�why would you think violating your own integrity would improve anything??? If marriage were a tennis match, evening the score would make sense, but this isn�t a game. This involves the most important issues of your life. Tell me, does your H feel GOOD about what he did? From what you�ve said, he is down�depressed, even. He knows he�s let you, your son, and HIMSELF down. Think trashing your integrity by becoming an adultress would solve your problem? How about having your son learn about it some day, as he most assuredly would?
I am still trying to get the issue of why he chose me over her straight. I don't know why it is important to know, I just know that it is for me.
Why he chose you over her? So basic that I doubt he could put it into words if you asked him.
He knew her in high school, yet he didn't marry her. He chose to take vows with you
; he promised her nothing. He owes her nothing. You have five years of married history together�and a son. He has nothing to bind his heart to OW. Those are pretty compelling reasons, don�t you think?
OK, you ask, then why did he have an affair with her? THAT is the important question. It wasn�t HER. It wasn�t ABOUT her. It was about HIM, his poor boundaries, and his poor problem solving skills. HE was �feeling lonely.� He didn�t know how to broach the subject with you. (My FWH didn�t either, nor did most others who find themselves here. And they all made exactly the same mistake your FWH did.)
She happened to be in the right place, at the right time, to distract him from his negative feelings and what wasn�t going right in your marriage.
She could have been ANYONE. You said you knew things weren�t right. He knew it too, but maybe he didn�t have the relationship skills you do. Not uncommon. So he took the �easy� way out, not thinking about the consequences. Bad move, as he now understands. Can you imagine how it must feel to be him, knowing what a hurtful, stupid thing he did? A horror he can never undo? Remember the effect it had on him when he saw your packed bag? Moment of truth for him. Turned him right around. He doesn�t even miss her, that�s how important she was to him.
So, he chose you because you were the better choice. The only
choice, once he pulled his head out of his lower orifice and thought about it. He didn�t want to lose YOU. He cannot replace YOU. And he doesn�t want to. That�s the reason he is being so cooperative. His head cleared really quickly, because for him, the choice was easy. Wish that had been the case for me, and for so many BS�s here who struggled through months of their WS �making up their mind.� He WANTS to fall in love with you all over again--right NOW. Don't blow it by nursing anger.
We also talked about a post-nup with the only stipulation being IF he has another A.
I think that post-nup door should swing both ways. Same provisions apply if EITHER of you has an A. Sounds like that�s an EP you both need right now.