Hold,

I like you guys continuing this conversation. It's intimate. Oops.



Could you please use "I" statements when talking to your DW, though?

[quote]However, I disagreed that it has nothing to do with me. She is being excluded in part because we don't socialize much. And we don't socialize much in part because Mrs. Hold is embarrassed by my lack of career success. If I were more successful and made more money and we lived in a fancier house then we would socialize more. So in part this is about her disappointment in me./quote]

"She is being excluded in part because she doesn't choose to socialize much (you do the Men's Group at church). I don't choose to urge her to socialize much in part because I believe DW is embarrassed by my lack of career success. If I were more successful and made more money and we lived in a fancier house, I believe we would socialize more. So in part this is about her disappointment in me."

And yet she wouldn't. She has folks on levels, eschelon's...the higher hers, the more rungs up to look down on her. It's a pattern, a personal problem she has and she shared that with you.

Don't try to take even a part of it from her. Be MORE honest...

"I fear you blame me for not being invited. I hear you telling me I'm the problem, that you're really embarrassed of me not impressing those you would like to be friends with."

You can take in shame that isn't yours. She is afraid of being looked down on. Usually means, she's looking down on others. A signal. Not a condemnation.

Don't add to her looking down on for you.

And as for sex...again, your responsibility is to say, "I believe we make ourselves incompatible with our partners. Your issue with sex makes us as incompatible as me not addressing your previous financial infidelity does. We both take do this, and I think we agree to keep doing it (withholding and resenting) knowing it hurts our compatibility. I think we need to help each other to stop hurting our marriage to make it another six years together."

Did you really think you were doubted about what you heard your DW saying previously? Or were you conveying confirmation in yourself, that she really does have issues with people...and that includes you looking down on her and her looking down on you. Again, a commonality, not incompatibility.

Did it hurt inside of you to hear how she views your family home, thinks through the eyes of others? I think you guys probably have a really nice home...is it more, less or about the same you envisioned having someday when you were a teenager?

Are you embarrassed by your DW for the financial infidelity? Do you tell her that you're embarrassed by her?

I'm asking because if you had all of the money which she spent, instead of as marital debt, would she be disappointed?

Financial success is both...career success and controlled spending. You taking it all on as you...well, that's just greedy, isn't it?

LA