I do try to use I statements when speaking with her. I realize the you statements are DJs. And she is cingulate and goes berzerk when I "tell her what is inside her head".

Still, as she admits, she often retreats into denial. Makes the locutions complex sometimes. She says how she feels. It rings false. I ask if she is being honest. She repeats the possibly false statement. I express my skepticism. I tell her I fear she is in denial. Many times she accuses me (correctly) of committing a DJ. But more often lately she admits she is in denial. And she admits to lying. I thank her for her honesty. Even when what she expressed is painful to hear.

I have thanked her for admitting to the freak out. I have thanked her for admitting she feels nothing during sex. I have thanked her for admitting she repeatedly lied to the MCs and therapists over the years. I have thanked her for admitting that she is embarrassed by our house. I have thanked her for admitting she is disappointed in my lack of career success. I have made it as safe as I can for her to admit unpleasant truths. I must be doing a decent job, since she has felt comfortable issuing so many of them lately.

Does not cause me to feel closer to her. Does not motivate me to work on the things she wants from me. To meet her ENs. Just confirms my fear that we will never be happy while we remain married. I am going to put the issue of divorce squarely on the table. That I don't want it now. But I see it happening when the kids leave. Unless we change course. Which I don't see either of us choosing to do.

Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway
Did it hurt inside of you to hear how she views your family home, thinks through the eyes of others? I think you guys probably have a really nice home...is it more, less or about the same you envisioned having someday when you were a teenager?


Not much. I knew she felt that way. We have discussed her disdain for our house many times.

My house is less than I expected as a teenager. Less than my parents' house. Much less than I expected after law school. And one of the smallest and least updated houses in our town. I am not being eeyore when I say I am disappointed in myself and our house. I am not comparing myself to some other person's achievements or expectations. I have fallen short of mine.

Quote:
Are you embarrassed by your DW for the financial infidelity? Do you tell her that you're embarrassed by her?


I am much more embarrassed by my career failure than by her overspending.

I am angry at her for the financial infidelity. I have in no way forgiven her. I hold that anger close to my heart. I feed it. Perhaps I could forgive her if it stopped.

Quote:
I'm asking because if you had all of the money which she spent, instead of as marital debt, would she be disappointed?


Yes, she would be disappointed even if she had not overspent. She overspent a large amount of money. But far less than the difference between what I make and what we expected I would be making. Maybe she overspent by $200 K or $300 k over the past dozen years. We expected I would be making that much more PER YEAR. So she overspent $300 k. And I underearned by over $1 million over the same period. Plenty of blame to go around on both sides.

Quote:
Financial success is both...career success and controlled spending. You taking it all on as you...well, that's just greedy, isn't it?


I would be happier with her as a life partner if she had not overspent. But I would still view myself as a failure at my career. I would not respect myself. And she would not find me attractive. Her controlling her spending would NOT resolve our FS issues. Or our SF issues. And yes, the two issues are unavoidably intertwined.

It is true that we are not a team. And that she plays a part in that. She is no more of a team layer than I am. Perhaps less. Who is to say? But there is room for me to view myself as a FS failure apart from the arguably unreasonable nature of her expectations or the extent to which her behavior has contributed to our problems.

If we balanced our books today. And she helped to pay off the remaining debt. I don't think either of us would be satisfied with our financial position.


When you can see it coming, duck!