I am weak and brown and not well-rooted. That does not inspire me to imagine I can successfully survive being uprooted and planted elsewhere.

As I said, the key factor is not that this job does not present opportunities. The problem is that I do not have the confidence to attempt them. I sit in my office with my head down, hoping no one realizes how stupid I have become. I am shattered.

To succeed I would need to remake myself. Gather my shards and forge a new me. Impossible to imagine I will summon the courage to do that when every night is another relentless battering of my esteem by the person who shares my bed.

She pre-emptively rejected me verbally and through body language both last night and again this morning. I wasn't trying for sex. But if I rolled toward her she grunted negatively or threw her arms up to ward me off. When we got dressed I said I felt rejected. She said "just because I was feeling icky last night and this morning?" I said "no, because you have felt that was the past 6500 days."

It is easier if I play PS3 until 2 am and then collapse into bed exhausted, and wake at the last possible moment before showering, dressing and heading to work. That way we do not spend a single moment in bed together. But it does not help me feel good about myself.

When you can see it coming, duck!