Originally Posted By: Soolee
Why do you say that your efforts along those lines were mostly wasted because you didn't fulfill her #1? What of the others?

My wife and I are similar in many ways. One way we are similar is that our #1 needs have historically been far and away more important than our #2 - #10 needs. So when need #1 is not being met (as it has not been met for either of us pretty much for the entire marriage), it is not like we are missing on 1/10 or 1/5 of the possible deposits. We are missing out on 90%+ of the potential deposits. So moving from a 2 to a 9 on the love bank scale is still so far from 100 that it hardly registers.

Remember, sex and money are like air. Not such a big deal until you don't get enough of them. Mrs. Hold and I have both felt choked by our marriage. When you are being strangled, you don't notice or give much credit if the person strangling you is telling you how lovely your hair looks today.

Originally Posted By: Soolee
I think my understanding is that there is no shame in trying and failing, but in not trying at all. We forfeit hope when we give up, agreed? Isn't the feeling of hope better than the feeling of failure?

Not for me. I hate hope. Hope leads to pain. If I fail, I feel ashamed. More or less than when I simply don't try? Hard to say. Both shames are enormous. Sometimes I feel ashamed when I fail at something when I expect to succeed. Sometimes I feel ashamed when I decide that I can't reasonably expect to succeed. Basically, I feel ashamed all the time. Bet you could not have guessed that from my posts here!

When you can see it coming, duck!