Another big mistake: This morning, I gave DWG a subscription to the audio service, Pandora. She was enjoying it so much, that she was completely immersed in it. I should have let her just enjoy it, but I wanted to interact with her and talk in the usual way, but there really was no conversation because she was listening, sometimes with earphones. A couple of times, I asked her something, and she either did not hear my questions or was just delaying an answer while she listened to the music. When we went out to do chores, it continued, and, like a selfish little kid, I was feeling kind of alone or ignored instead of taking joy in how much she was enjoying her gift. Her brother, who is living in a bedroom at the barn, came out and asked her if she was in a good mood. She looked at him and said the name of the artist she was listening to. I didn't see that they had made eye contact, and that her response was a real answer of happiness and an actual answer to his question. I kind of felt bad for her brother and said, "did you know that #### was asking you a question."?

Well, this was like stabbing her. She felt that I was treating her like a child and trying to control her use of her gift, after I had given it to her. The level of anger was enormous and remains so even tonight. She said she was going to end the subscription and has not been willing to talk to me all day.

I understand that the main issue is not what I meant by my comment, It is how she felt and what she thought as a result of it, and I injured her once again. This thread is about breaking old patterns, and what I did was conclude something that was wrong instantly in my head and acted on it. I didn't filter my thoughts or stop myself and think how it would sound or be taken by DWG. Now I have set her way back once again and left her angry and hurt and probably ready to give up on me. It was stupid for me to interfere in her interaction with her brother and say something that made her feel controlled and disrespected. Now sitting motionless at the bottom of the roller coaster, just wondering how to convey my sadness at how I made her feel. I just can't seem to put even two days together without making some terrible blunder. In a way, this was very similar to the facebook episode. I was worried about her brother's feelings instead of worrying about DWG's feelings, the one person who is actually of (monumental) importance to me. I didn't take care of her feelings first and foremost. It is not because I don't care or put her number one. It was just an obnoxious interference that happened because I thought she did not hear him accurately due to listening to the music. Boy! Did IT come out wrong.!! How do I learn that my first thought may be just plain wrong? I think something, then I act on it without questioning first in my mind whether it is true or not. This is a very bad habit.

- Feeling sad and disappointed in myself...and discouraged with my ability to make myself better at loving and taking care of DWG. I wanted to give her a surprise present and just blew it. I am so clumsy and incompetent at this.

Let the pounding begin...

Last edited by MBHarmony; 08/18/10 10:37 PM. Reason: editing out name

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.