The most destructive thing said to me on this board was that I was responsible for my H lying. That, and that I was a controlling B for telling my H when he LBd me.
The way these sentences were laid out it appears you are saying that I said the above to you. I don't think I did and if I did, I'll address it seperately.
Mr Wondering told me that I shouldn't care about something that my H wanted to do that I DID care about. I don't consider him a good source of MB for that. He promoted IB, and suggested that I just get over it.
First off, your husband isn't here so I didn't "promote" or otherwise encourage him to IB.
Second, it's very debatable that the situation you are referring to, buying donuts and taking them to work, IS a an "independent behavior". I think it's an "annoying habit". But either way...whenever someone posts these type conflicts on the private forums (which happens a lot) Dr. Harley always comes in and tries to refocus them on working the plan and building love bank accounts and putting the conflict off for later...when they are more "in love" and thus, more receptive to criticism and sensitive to their spouses feelings.
In fact...here is part of a post he made just THIS MORNING:
Your wife's willingness to join you in following this program is the most important factor. The program itself will not only teach you how to negotiate (you're not there yet), but it will also help you make enough Love Bank deposits, and avoid enough withdrawals, so that your wife views you as her lover rather than someone she must put up with. [edit]
My advice right now is to take on simple conflicts that can be easily discussed and resolved. Practice doing what works first. Become more affectionate, make your conversation with her more interesting to her, your time together should become the best time of her week.
So my advice for the moment is to leave sensitive issues alone until she is clearly enjoying her time for undivided attention with you. Then I'd mention it. She probably already knows it bothers you from past conversations, so as your relationship improves, she may become more sensitive to your feelings without you having to say anything.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
I've said this before, IMO, MB is not a conflict resolution program. The MB theory is that conflict is mostly resolved when the couple falls romantically in love again using the MB program. As you work the program you PRACTICE utilizing POJA, but it's the spring training of POJA (i.e. - "you aren't there yet"). POJA is only really effective after you fall in love with your spouse. Until then...there is too often a tendency to use it as the POJA stick. To win battles and sort out resentments. It is my opinion that that is what you were doing...saying "I'm not enthusiatic about you taking donuts to work" in an effort to control/micro-manage what essentially was/is, IMO, an annoying habit.
Some of it, perhaps, was a misunderstanding. As I recall, your actual communication on the issue with your husband differed tremendously from the way it SEEMED to be portrayed here on the board. You did make a lot of disrespectful judgements about your husband's motivations to take donuts to work but it appeared later those were only written here and not communicated directly to him. The whole donut situation appeared to be the World War III of conflicts when, I think you'd admit, it was an pretty small conflict...in real life. I apologize if I inferred a bigger conflict than actually took place. I also acknowledge I was a little exasperated with you and posted somewhat aggessively under the impression that you were being way over the top about such matter in real life.
Mr. Wondering
Edit to add: Here's another private forum example:
...
The way to resolve a conflict the right way is to understand the other person's position, and then try to accommodate that position along with your own so that a mutually enthusiastic outcome results. Until you are both happy with the way the conflict is to be handled, you continue to negotiate. Demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts ruin any hope of finding a mutually enthusiastic outcome, so if safety cannot be guaranteed, negotiation should not even be attempted.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
At that time I inferred you WERE making demands, disrespectful judgements and angry outburst. I perceived YOU were love busting your husband OVER DONUTS. I wasn't the only one that thought that based upon your posts at that time. Thus, negotiations (poja) over the donuts shouldn't have been undertaken at all. Just because your husband seems somewhat easy going and was willing to accomodate your demand (he inevitably didn't take donuts to work with him) doesn't mean you didn't lovebust him. I also thought at the time, just perhaps, micro-managing him might be YOUR annoying habit???? (remember you are the one here posting getting assistance and I WANT YOU TO HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE OF EXTRA-ORDINARY CARE AND ROMANTIC LOVE. My wife and I are on the side of your marriage and we both sometimes wish a few of the other wives around here over time had your gumption/moxie)
