Originally Posted by CWMI
Originally Posted by MrWondering
Originally Posted by CWMI
The most destructive thing said to me on this board was that I was responsible for my H lying. That, and that I was a controlling B for telling my H when he LBd me.

The way these sentences were laid out it appears you are saying that I said the above to you. I don't think I did and if I did, I'll address it seperately.

It is my opinion that that is what you were doing...saying "I'm not enthusiatic about you taking donuts to work" in an effort to control/micro-manage what essentially was/is, IMO, an annoying habit.

Mr. Wondering

If you didn't say it before, you said it now. Well, the controlling part, anyway. Does it make a difference if it's labeled IB or AH? They're both LBs.

There is a difference between annoying habits and independent behavior.

IB - one spouse makes unilateral decisions that affects the other spouse


AH - one spouse persistently does something that bugs/annoys the other

Your husband stopping off on his way into work and buying donuts for the guys in the shop really didn't affect you. To me...it was like you complaining that he stopped off at Burger King for a sausage, egg and cheese bagel and you HATE burger king. It's a small thing in the grand scheme of things. I'm not denying that it ANNOYED you that he did this and his habit of doing these small gestures for other persons is/was habitual but such annoyance doesn't compare to a true IB like having lunch at strip bars or insisting on having co-ed or weekly golf outings or even insisting it is OK to kiss and hug his female friends (which is the situation Dr. Harley was addressing with the above quoted advice)

IB's should be communicated immediately and eliminated promptly. AH's should be addressed as part of a plan to eliminate lovebusters. You should both sit down and list things out that BUG YOU and negotiate them one at a time safely and carefully. Criticism should be avoided and acknowledged as a lovebuster.

Here is how Dr. Harley thinks annoying habits are to be addressed:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
None of us likes criticism, so I encourage both of you to avoid pointing out each other's annoying habits unless you are both prepared to do something about it. It's an enemy of good conversation to blind-side each other with criticism, ruining your time together by talking about how much you annoy each other. Many couples spend so much of their time together being critical of each other that each experience is a nightmare. How long can that last? I want your time together to be as enjoyable as possible, and criticism will have you both running for cover. If one of you does something that annoys the other, it's okay to mention it. But then drop the subject until you are able to deal with the problem effectively.

Your approach to annoying habits should be organized with an agreed upon plan to eliminate whatever it is. Unless you have such a plan, all you will accomplish with your criticism is a loss of love units whenever you bring up the subject.

Sooooo...did you handle the donut situation appropriately??? Your posts at the time didn't seem to suggest you did but I don't know...I wasn't there.

Mr. Wondering <---willing to be wrong but a tad annoyed himself that his 1000's of posts on MB are being put into question over a couple of posts about donuts.

FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.