I guess we must be an anomaly since when confronted my wife said she was sure she wanted a divorce.

Now she helps me teach this stuff to other couples.

You're right that many women have already checked out of the marriage before beginning an affair, but that doesn't preclude changing her mind. Most women are serial monogamists, but they can go back as testified to by the number of affairs we see around here with past boyfriends. Most haven't really chosen to end the marriage prior to meeting their new love, simply decided to give up investing in it. The less they invest, the less they feel they are losing until they care not one bit what happens to the marriage.

In a case where the WW has checked out the first milestone for the BH is to have her become unsure of what she wants to do. If she is conflicted about leaving, he's already ahead of where he began in most cases.

Those women who are just "fooling around" or not really intending to end the marriage (not an exit affair) are often persuaded by simple confrontation. Those who have fallen in love by accident are harder to win back but still doable with a clear plan of action.

Those who decided the marriage was over BEFORE even looking for a new man and now having found him are harder, but not impossible and I would guess that even some of those return home when the affair comes to a thunderous end.

Which is why Plan B follows Plan A with its waiting period to give the affair enough time to implode or become an anomaly or outlier.