Originally Posted By: Vibrissa
And I'm not saying they lied to each other, but it seems they didn't reveal their true selves to one another before marriage


Untrue, at least as to me. I was very explicit as to my earning potential. I told her I had not been as successful as I hoped up to that time, that I was not on track to make partner, and that I would probably never make partner at a top tier firm and never earn the kind of money that many of my classmates would earn. I admitted that I lacked the drive and ambition required to get to the top. I told her I had issues with self esteem that made it unlikely I would turn things around positively, and that the #1 thing she could do to help me with my self esteem was to have lots of sex with me. I revealed EVERYTHING.

In fact, I can distinctly remember going to an out of town wedding with her shortly before we got engaged. Everyone thought we were going to get engaged at the wedding (swept up in the "marriage fever"). I had recently poured out the above in excurciating detail to her, and figured the wedding was our last hurrah together. I figured she was going to dump me when we got back, but was saving me the embarrassment of going to the wedding alone. I remember being surprised when she wanted to stay with me when we got back.

She told me "smart is sexy" and said that meeting my need for SF would not be a problem for her. I think she believed that. But I think she was mistaken as to my statements - she thought I was being modest and did not take my warnings seriously. And I think she was not being honest with herself. In that I think her sexual history has more impact on her behavior than she is ready to admit.

The only part where I think she was intentionally dishonest was in not admitting that she had been raped. She feared I would see her as damaged goods if she told me. And she had convinced herself they didn't affect her, so she thought the omission was no big deal.

In any event, we both have come to learn additional truths about each other. More from experience than from verbal discussion. She has chosen to be more available despite my not meeting her EN for FS. So I have chosen to let go of some of my resentment.

As you say, recent events are a hopeful start.


When you can see it coming, duck!