I've browsed the forums a bit to get a feel for some of the common questions and acronyms, but I may've missed some things, so I apologize if I'm repeating any questions that have been asked elsewhere.
About two months ago, my WW texted me some distressing messages at the tail end of a business trip. After talking on the phone, I found out that she got drunk and made out with and groped with a dude that she met in the industry last fall. Previously, they had been "just friends", but I had been wary since she told me he'd been flirting with her and beginning an EA. This was devastating news to me. She confessed immediately the PA that night and said that she felt terrible. She went out of the country for a couple of days after that and was out of telephone contact. In my distress, I approached our church pastor and discussed the issue with him. I didn't want to talk to anyone in our families or circle of friends for fear of hurting her image.
When she got home from the trip, she still felt terrible, but I assured her that I still loved her and would forgive her. She promised that she wouldn't speak with him anymore. She was angry that I spoke with the pastor without talking about it with her first and felt that I violated her trust.
Jump ahead a couple of weeks. She was on another trip. We had some sort of argument on the phone, and I broke down and cried. I told her that I wanted to be a good husband to her and was trying very hard. She felt sorry for me, but then she went out that night and escalated the PA. Again, she texted me early in the morning to say that I probably wasn't going to want to continue our M. I feared what was going to come next, but we waited until we were face-to-face the next day before talking about it. She confessed and said she hated herself over it and wanted to die. She said she didn't mean to fall in love with another man. Again, I forgave her, and we agreed on NC with the OM after she read MB. We blocked phone numbers and online messaging.
I figured things were recovering, and we actually continued our plans to move to the state where she mostly works so that I wouldn't be so far from her so often. A few days ago, she was working in an office and mentioned that she ran into OM. The following evening, she tells me that they'd been messaging each other all day. She tells me that they'd actually talked some in prior weeks too and that she still loves him. She had been hiding this from me because she didn't want to hurt me. It tore me apart and I broke down crying again. She tried to reassure me with ILYBINILWY, but then said she needed space for 24 hours. I asked her not to leave and tried to arrange some way that we could sleep in separate rooms. I feared that she was going to make a bad decision, but I relented when it became clear that she felt I was trying to force/control her.
She initiated the PA again that night. She returned the next morning and told me that she felt terrible and couldn't stay there. I was relieved to have her home, but she kept continuing with her lines of "I don't know why we're married", "I regret marrying you", and "I want a divorce". She told me that the OM told her she should divorce me and marry him. On an encouraging note, she sent a message to OM saying that she couldn't continue the A. I know that the whole situation is making both of us pretty miserable, but I still love her deeply and want to recover our M. I think she still has love for me inside of her...it's just buried down underneath all this muck.
She went to work today, and I started devouring MB material. I browsed the forums to find out more about exposure. I've been wanting to talk to people for months. In the past, when I have a problem, I tend to go to my support network for wisdom and encouragement. However, I haven't been "allowed" to do that with regard to what she considers private matters of our marriage. She has a strong sense of appearances. I kept encouraging her that we should seek counseling, but she kept saying she wasn't ready for it and that I was pushing her away by insisting.
Well, this afternoon, I set off the nuclear exposure. I told my parents and step-dad. I told MIL and grandmother. I told our pastor. I told my sister (who will tell my BIL). Her mom is also telling a close friend of both of theirs. I expressed to them all that I love her deeply and want to work through this and they all support me and reassured me that I was doing the right thing in breaking my silence.
When she got home tonight, we made a nice dinner together. I broached the topic of NC with the OM (she had talked to him briefly through some messages today). She said she wasn't even sure she was able to love me, so she couldn't take that step. I gave her a massage and asked if she wanted a happy and loving M. She replied, "In general or with you?" I responded, "In general, but I think the best chance of that is with me." She fell quickly asleep. I had planned to tell her about the exposure, but I'm not quite sure how to do it. I'm pretty sure she's going to get really angry, and I'm extremely worried she's going to leave me after such a huge "violation of trust". She said that if she were in my shoes as a BS, she probably would've left.
I'm not really worried about my anger. I've been frustrated and depressed over all of this, but anger and numbness are feelings that WW is more prone to than me.
Also, I'm not really sure whether to confront the OM.
There are a couple of other people that I'm considering with regard to exposure, but I'm getting mixed opinions about the wisdom of expanding it beyond the circle of people that love us both unconditionally.
Sorry for the ridiculous length to this. My three questions...
1) How should I handle telling her about the exposure? (I know to not apologize.)
2) Should I tell anyone else?
3) Should I confront the OM?