CWMI - I know that right now you are stuck in a negative cycle. I know there isn't much to do about it to FIX it, but this is a valuable opportunity for you to demonstrate love and care.

I know, it isn't fair your husband gets to bail on love and care, but you must be loving and caring because that is what a good wife does.

You need to work to foster an atmosphere of gratitude and appreciation to ENCOURAGE him to be loving and caring. If he puts forth ANY effort and his only guarantee is that he is going to be griped at, then next time he won't bother to put forth the effort.

You're in a crummy situation, but it's time to make lemonade.

Originally Posted by CWMI
I responded, somewhat snarkily, "I know you'll keep your promise this time."

I know this probably felt good. But think for a moment. You felt good at your husband's expense.

Yes, he probably deserves it.

But this negative cycle will NOT STOP unless SOMEONE stops it.

Sucks that it has to be you, I'm sure it feels like it is ALWAYS you, but if you aren't willing to B/D, then you have to take responsibility for the consequence of that choice.

You don't get to stoop to his level and perpetuate the negativity.

And...he's mad again.

Of course he is. He screwed up, big time. And he's alone with his screw up. His partner has turned into his enemy.

Yes, it is his own doing.

But just as he vowed to put you before all others, YOU vowed to love and cherish him. Not love and cherish him if he is nice to you, but love and cherish him.

You antagonizing and your enmity isn't going to help this situation, in fact it will make it MORE unpleasant, and will ensure that it probably happens again. You can't control him, but you can control YOU and use that control to respectfully persuade and influence him to better behaviors.

So use this as an opportunity to demonstrate love and care, to show him you are willing to be a partner to him, even when he screws up, even when he is neglectful and abusive.

You can say "Thank you for trying to fix this, I appreciate it." and not negate the fact that you are disappointed that the situation arose.

You punishing him is just as abusive as his IB.

Went rounds with me about the kids, what was I going to do about the kids? I said, I'm not putting us in this position, why do you think I should take care of what to do with the kids? Then more threats, he'll just leave me and he'll keep the kids, so I said, okay, what would you do about the kids during this trip if I was out of the picture? And he said he'd just hire someone to stay with them while he was gone.

Why did this fight have to occur? Why did you let this situation disintegrate to this point? Because you are being governed by your emotions: anger, betrayal, disappointment. You are letting your emotions dictate your behavior.

I said, why don't you do that now, and keep me? Doesn't that seem the best solution considering the situation?

I don't blame him for being mad. Having your crazy logic pointed out has got to sting.

THIS is evidence of the DJs we discussed in the now shut down thread. You are disrespecting him here. You have been love busting throughout this whole situation. You've been throwing fuel onto a raging fire to make yourself feel better....

Your kids are stuck in the house.

You relinquish control of yourself and your actions when you chose to REACT to your husbands LBs with LBs of your own, and your children are the ones hurt by all this.

Crazy logic is a DJ.
Interpreting his anger to analyze the reason for it is a DJ.

Instead of DJing him, ASK him why he is angry. ASK him what you can do to help remedy the situation. TELL him what it is you are feeling and thinking, straight out, no 'what if's' 'what would you do's'.

Simply stating "I am very upset and need to see some effort put forth. This situation needs to be resolved and I need reassurance from you that you care so I would appreciate you finding a solution to this problem."

You guiding him to the answer by asking "What would you do if you had the kids? Don't you think that's a good solution?" Is condescending and disrespectful. You treated him like a child while you were the adult with the answers.

It is clear why you do this. It is an attempt to regain power after he has rendered you powerless.

But your strategy is backfiring.

He doesn't want to engage with you because it is unpleasant.

He bought airline tickets for all six of us, at just under $1k. Sent me the confirmation. He is pissed about it. Can't say I'm real happy, either. The other five of us have other commitments, to school. Now there's a lose-lose situation.

He fixed the problem.

Unfortunately, rather than use the situation to fix the damage done to your marriage, you have allowed him and yourself permission to FURTHER damage the marriage.

You can still turn this around though. You can thank him for finding a solution. Since you abdicated having input in the decision making process can you really blame him that you are unhappy with the result? Instead of being his partner to fix it, you left him alone to fix it. Yes, it was his mess to fix - but you're his partner, his companion.

Sometimes marriage is cleaning up other people's messes, because we love them.

I'd suggest you sit down and try to find a way to be positive about this. Mini-family vacation at least!

I want you to know, I'm not trying to beat up on you. I really am not. I can imagine your pain and how much this just stinks. I really do. But I want to help you, I want to help you stop this terrible, destructive, negative cycle you have slipped into. YOU have power here CWMI, power to affect positive change.

Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'