Adding huge kudos for your honesty and bravery with FIL...so much better than telling him to shove it. His reaction wasn't weird at all, IMO.

I caught you saying that she's still overspending to this day.

Is that correct?

Why not first address the past: When she brings it up again, why not choose honesty with W? "You were financially unfaithful to this marriage. You lied to me, you still justify, and you haven't demonstrated remorse. You betrayed our marriage and my trust. It's not okay and it won't be okay until you stop doing it."

The fiscal infidelity continues...and consider you just exposed to her father...and she did say you were honest and that is what happened.

Give her the map to recovery...what you need exactly from her for your forgiveness. Step by step. First is owning what she did, why she did it, and how and why she won't do it again. Second, going to school with the goal of entering the workforce again and paying back the total amount of the fiscal infidelity.

If she takes your steps, you could open a separate savings account, which only has money she saved from the budget right now, going in, each month, so she can see her progress.

She is capable...she can choose to do this...you know she's determined...look at the weight loss...tell her you don't doubt her ability, 'k? You know it's a choice she can make. You do believe in her.

It's no less what as parents you require of your kids if they had stolen that money from you, lying and hiding and continuing. You're not her parent...tell her you know she's chosen not to amend her bad choices all these years. And that continuing them, even in small ways, will no longer be acceptable to you.

Be sure on your policy for her, to reduce it by the amount of debt she ran up without consulting you. Tell her as the savings grows (and she can't be on that account), that in a year, you'll increase the policy for her by that much.

When she does work, one of the final steps will be to set her direct deposit to that same savings account. Still, without her being a signer on it.

Please do this as an act of love for your marriage. Crippling to not do it...continues the harm...for her and for you and for the marriage.

When she says this isn't the status she wants, tell her you know she can obtain that status, you believe in her. You do not fail her at FS...don't confuse financial infidelity with FS, 'k?

She robbed you of your monetary choices, didn't let you in on decisions, and you don't have to speak fogspeak and buy into her justifications. Your job is to point them out...when she rewrites history, you state you know she knew she was cheating.

Calmly...and when you can't speak calmly, take a break.