Thanks, ya'll. I'm pretty much in limbo...everything is going well between H and I, I'm actually pretty psyched about going to N'Orleans, we're staying riverside and have tons of stuff to see and do within a mile, and after looking at schedules, me and the kids will only be missing one day of school instead of three. The kids' school has 'professional development' days, and I don't have to attend my Tuesday class because it's part of 'speech day' rotation and I was able to speak this week, listen next, and not attend the third week.

"Limbo" because I've been apologized to I don't know how many times for his abusiveness and nastiness, and it's just flat now. His running to threats of abandonment is just so ugly and ridiculous and immature, and I know those are DJs but I don't really care anymore.

I'm reading that book schoolbus mentioned several times on SAA, "Leadership and Self-Deception" and it is so dead-on about my life. I don't know if H will read it. He saw me reading it and asked about it, but I had just started it and didn't have much to tell him, only that I'd heard it was about creating problems by your own self-deception and that I read the introduction online and thought I would enjoy it. I wish he'd ask again. Or pick it up. Because even though I know that I shouldn't be looking at other people's 'boxes', I know that MANY MANY issues would be resolved if my H would find his way out of his box. He gets so angry at others when he has done something wrong. Mostly, he gets hateful toward me if he's done something to betray trust.

I'm just living, not worrying too much about him at all, just focusing on my kids and my schoolwork and I'm really proud of some extra stuff I've done at school lately, creative work I was sought out for and now the finished product is up and it's awesome.

H says that he will never ever let things at this place get like they were at the last. I don't believe him, told him so, and told him that the reason why I DON'T believe him is because the first time it came up and I said I wasn't happy about it, he threatened to divorce me instead of changing anything at work. I think that's valid.