We definitely need marriage counselling and that will be one of the first things to arrange when I get over there. Would you recommend a specialist marriage counsellor or it is more important for the counsellor to be a Christian, although not necessarily specialised in relationships?
dutchcourage, I would find a Christian counselor who specializes in Marriage Builders. OR get counseling directly from MB. They have an online program and do international phone coaching. MB is completely different from traditional marriage counseling in that it actually works. Traditional marriage counseling has an 84% failure is destructive to marriages. They don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and are rarely pro-marriage. They don't understand the dynamics of adultery and fail to counsel the couple to protect their marriage from a repeat.
The difference between them and MB is that the goal of MB is to restore the romantic love to your marriage and implement sane boundaries that protect it from an affair. They don't believe in endless counseling sessions, but in a solid plan of ACTION to recover your marriage. They are action oriented, not feeling oriented.
I wholeheartedely agree with you statement that forgiveness of my wife is a MUST. How can I expect to be forgiven if I cannot forgive others. My wife knows I have forgiven her already. The last thing I would want is for her salvation to be at risk. That is more important to me now than even our marriage.
The Bible commands forgiveness with repentance. That is what Dr Harley describes. Using just compensation, she repents by turning away from her sin. THAT is the best for your marriage. Please read the article. Dr Harley is a Bible believing Christian and there is nothing in his suggestions that conflicts with our Bible.
The recovery of your marriage DEPENDS on her turning away from her sin and protecting the marriage from the affair continuing. PLEASE don't ignore this step.