She could not be more clear or consistent in her position that my role is to protect her and keep her safe from sex.

Honestly, Hold, I think you're rewriting this to suit your own insecurities. If anything, I would say she's talking about other men, not you. Clarification might be in order, as I could be wrong, but it just seems off to me, the way you're perceiving this. She could also be talking about drunk sex with any man.

And if she proves you right, I would tell her you didn't sign up for that job - that you deserve normalcy in your marriage. That includes a normal friendship and normal sex life with your wife.

Hold...I've seen this before - on another board, where an adult SA survivor was shocked and disappointed when her husband stopped coddling due to the SA like 20 years previous, way before he came along. She was comparing her husband to a previous relationship where the boyfriend basically took on the personae of a white knight or something in her mind. He wanted to save her from her childhood abuse and make her life all right again. She was pining for that sort of special treatment.

I said 'Maybe your husband is giving you the gift of normalcy. Maybe he just wants to allow you the same sort of life as any other woman. Maybe he doesn't see you as just a SA survivor. Maybe he doesn't define you in a primary sense as this VICTIM. Maybe he sees you as a full-blooded, intelligent woman and knows there is a a lot more to you than your past.'

Maybe you could tell your wife these things too, if they're true, and tell her that it's time she allowed herself permission to enjoy sex and whatever else she has been denying herself (providing they don't cross the line.)

I think when a SA survivor reaches adulthood, those around them who know of the abuse can offer special treatment, special allowances, whatever, but doing so may actually perpetuate the abuse and keep it going, keep it harming. It stifles that survivor from reaching their potential in other areas of their life. I think when we focus too strongly on that unfortunate past, we can allow it to define that person and not just to them, but to others too.

Lots of mature couples schedule sex and have good marriages, Hold, but you can bond in other ways on Tuesdays too. Don't revamp your work schedule. Keep yourself free. Take her out for breakfast instead for a while and just see how it goes if you feel the need.

Last edited by Soolee; 12/08/10 01:31 PM.


"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.