Originally Posted by Soolee
Clarification might be in order, as I could be wrong, but it just seems off to me, the way you're perceiving this. She could also be talking about drunk sex with any man.

Extremely unlikely. Her point was clear. My memory as to the wording is what is unclear. What I said about her going back to being a party girl had the clear implication that I wanted to get her drunk or high so she would be more inclined to have sex with me. I am not trying to paper over my behavior. That was in fact what I was thinking. She took offense to it. My bad.

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And if she proves you right, I would tell her you didn't sign up for that job - that you deserve normalcy in your marriage. That includes a normal friendship and normal sex life with your wife.

I have told her that during marriage counselling. Her response was basically "then find another wife". Or to be fair, she responded that what we have is normal and that I am messed up to expect that middle aged people with kids continue to have sex. Remember, she does not admit that her past has any impact on her current behavior. She claims she has gotten past it (despite never telling anyone until decades later and never seeking any counselling to deal with it) and it is not relevant to our marriage.

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Hold...I've seen this before - on another board, where an adult SA survivor was shocked and disappointed when her husband stopped coddling due to the SA like 20 years previous, way before he came along. She was comparing her husband to a previous relationship where the boyfriend basically took on the personae of a white knight or something in her mind. He wanted to save her from her childhood abuse and make her life all right again. She was pining for that sort of special treatment.

I am not trying to save her or make it all right. In fact, quite the opposite. I have told her if she wants someone who would back off and remove any pressure for sex, she needs to find someone else because I am not that guy.

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I think when a SA survivor reaches adulthood, those around them who know of the abuse can offer special treatment, special allowances, whatever, but doing so may actually perpetuate the abuse and keep it going, keep it harming. It stifles that survivor from reaching their potential in other areas of their life. I think when we focus too strongly on that unfortunate past, we can allow it to define that person and not just to them, but to others too.

I can see that mechanism being relevant to other cases. In her case, she never told anyone (her parents still do not know) so there isn't anyone to coddle her.

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Lots of mature couples schedule sex and have good marriages, Hold, but you can bond in other ways on Tuesdays too. Don't revamp your work schedule. Keep yourself free. Take her out for breakfast instead for a while and just see how it goes if you feel the need.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. That aspect of the problem is inside me. Breakfast with my wife is not going to resolve that. Neither is sex. I need to decide whether I want this marriage to heal. Right now I am holding her at arms length and not allowing her into my heart. There is no hope for a return to romantic love until I choose to let down the barriers. I am getting more payoff from denying her and pushing her away than I get from interacting with her. That has to change before we can repair the damage. And it has to change inside me.

When you can see it coming, duck!