Thanks for the welcome, Melody. Thanks for "listening" too. You're right, the relationship is absolutely no longer salvagable. I think in the end it will be a good thing, but right now, especially while he was here, I just felt the weight of 20 years of loyalty and work on my shoulders, even if half of the years ended up not being the best years. The last 3 years have been very unpleasant, mostly because of me. It wasn't an abusive relationship, it was a subtly neglected relationship that I think we both thought would magically heal itself. It didn't. Lots, no, heaps, of resentment was flowing all over the place. We were never unkind to one another, but both saw it falling apart...and let it. I think we both knew that we had been on this path for quite some time, but loved our kids so much, and knew how much they needed us as a unit to just dissolve our lives as we knew it was just not what we wanted for them.
I told my boys tonight about the D. It broke my heart. I have never felt such guilt and pain for my children as I did when I had to look at my 13 year old and tell him that, not only on top of his own 13 year old hormonal emotions, that he was now being hit with ridiculous crap that his parents were throwing on him. I didn't think my autistic son would understand, but he does. He's been crying for hours and keeps begging for his father to come home. He is rarely able to communicate himself as far as his feelings go, or making people understand what he understands, but he kept saying how his father went away and sobbing. He adores his father. Both of my boys know how we were united in parenthood for them and they felt very secure in their roles and in the roles we played for them. I'm so terribly sad and feel guilty for my role in their unhappiness right now. I didn't think my little autistic guy would grasp the concept, but he is absolutely fully aware and heartbroken over it.
I hope their perception of this situation lessens as they age. I hope they're okay. I'm doing my best, and I'm glad that he's gone so far away, so I can't reach him. I might throttle him if he was closer (not really. I visualize it, but would never consider it lol).
I didn't think these gambits of emotions were going to come along when he came here. I think a lot of it had to do with him getting in a new relationship. I want to think that my self who I thought of without my (now stbx) husband would want my kids to like the person who they would spend summers and some holidays with. Right now, I'm just angry at both him and her for being happy together. I spent 20 years trying to make him happy and he's happy right now and I don't want him to be. I want him to be as sad and regretful as I am. I don't want him having arms to comfort him. He wants the papers filed, not me. I have my children here to comfort me, but no partner for it. None on the horizon. *self pity alert*. I would rather have my kids than some person who I might fail or succeed with, really, so maybe I'm not unlucky?
Anyway, rambling again. Thank God he left, because I am tired of the emotions he has stirred in me, even after a week.