I think I should have planned B'd immediately after starting this thread. I was SO HAPPY, so in love, so thrilled with the changes, short-lived as they were, I should have severed at that point to save it. Now I just think he's dumb as a box of rocks. Useless save for cash, which I can get from him without being married to him. He told me that I make him feel stupid.

I told him I thought he was.

It saved me from thinking of him as heartless and cruel.

After so many years of the round and round about the same thing, I had to think he was either stupid or cruel.

Anyway, I don't think I want to save it anymore. I'm amiable to it, I do still think it's best, but I don't want to lift anymore.

I dropped into his work today with the littles, I took the oldest to the airport this morning to fly off to see his dad, and the littles (H's children) wanted to stop at his job since he'd invited us. The guy who took pictures at the company Christmas party was there, and came up to me and said, "You looked fabulous in all the shots, but your husband there ruined them; he looked so tacky." And I thought, yes, tacky. His fake smile...he's such a faker. I have one. He looks like he's snarling. That's his fake smile.

Oh, I see much potential in him if he loses his tacky salesman fakeness. I don't think he's a bad guy. He lacks authenticity, though. Honesty, authenticity, realness instead of his fakey-fake view of how the world works...man...if he would just rest in his worth, as a man, and have good values of worth as a man...he could really be something. I've given ten years, don't see my input having any bearing.

Yes, I told him I thought he was stupid. I've also told him that he underestimates his worth to his employers. He doesn't have to chase empty leads, he is a veritable force who brings profit, NONE of these events have led to profit deals, he can wreak havoc within his daily sched and anyone would be a FOOL to let him go.

So, anyway, if I move on, it's Plan D, I don't see any other way. He'll think B is just a ruse, and there's the stability of the kids--if I leave, kids are with me, so he should leave the home. But I can't make him go unless I really piss him off, and I just don't care enough to!

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)